Thursday, November 13, 2008

Busy.... ok, ok I have been totaly lazy....

Hello all... Is anyone still there? I have been so rude. Beth made me such an amazing blog design and I have yet to really move in, make it my home. There has been so much going on I have not been able to get my mind around writing, although the words swim in my brain at all times. So many changes have taken place I want to share but have not had a clear head to jot them down.

I am going to try and make 2009 THE year for change. Anyone want to do a 365 post challenge? Has it ever been done? Do I really think I am that deluded to think I could really post once a day for a full year? One never knows....

So the short list of big news....

1) I have been to a few support meeting for people who are compulsive overeaters. It feels like I found a home, a group of people who have been where I and made their way out. I want to lose weight, over 100lbs in fact, but this will never happen if I do not find a way to stop killing myself with food.

2) Lily and I have had a wonderful reconciliation. I am so please she is back in my life. Now that we are talking again, I realize how much I missed her insights, her humor, and her daughter. In a future post I will give you the promised update about our first lunch and the big talk.

3) Over the past few weeks I have been working hard to get our home in better order. It is a never ending process but one that is showing rewards. I want to have a home we can be proud of, not one we dread.








4) The kids turn 4 and 2 next week... where did the time go? Beaker is making HUGE progress with her speech therapy and Jack Jack is changing everyday! I will post pictures of their party which is next Saturday. Due to their overindulgence and the state of our economy, we have asked people share with our kids their favorite book. This will add to our library and save us from loads of new toys.

Ok, I need to get some sleep. I think I am getting sick... YUCK!

Thank you for reading and being patient.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Refugees Unit 11-10-08




About Refugees United

Refugees United is a non-profit organization that helps refugees relocate family and friends through the use of the internet.

Refugees United provides refugees with an anonymous forum to reconnect with missing family. By registering with nick- names, scars, former locations and other markers only identifiable to family and close friends, everyone can remain 'invisible' to all but relatives.

  • All refugees are welcome, regardless of conflict, place or time.
  • Refugees United is an independent, non-political, non-religious NGO.
  • No third party is involved. No official papers need to be filled in.
  • The service is free of charge, easy and safe.

The Refugees United search engine is the first of it's kind. Visit Refugees United to see how it works and to learn more about the work that Refugees United is doing.

Learn more about this global problem

Below are some great links and resources to help get you started...

UK Refugee Services
http://www.redcross.org.uk/TLC.asp?id=81617

Lutheran Refugee Services
http://www.lirs.org/

Aotearoa-New Zealand Refugee Services
http://www.refugeeservices.org.nz/

United States Committee for Refugees and Immigrant Children
http://www.refugees.org/

Church World Service Immigrant & Refugee Program
http://www.churchworldservice.org/Immigration/index.html

Women's Commission for Refugee Women & Children
http://www.womenscommission.org/

Additional Links/Resources
http://www.unhcr.org/cgi-bin/texis/vtx/protect?id=3b8265c7a
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Refugees
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Statelessness
http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/static/in_depth/world/2001/road_to_refuge/default.stm

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Ladies who lunch...

Today was the quintessential New England fall day... a little sun, cool, a touch of rain. After 6 months of separation, Lilly and I had a wonderful lunch full of good wine, warm soup and productive conversation. It was very rewarding to make a plan with her and actually see it through. As mother's of small kids, sometimes life gets in the way of mommy time, but not today.

After some refreshing small talk we got down to the business of rebuilding a friendship. I went into this meeting with my heart wide open, ready to her her side of the events without judgment. It is hard not to be empathetic to someone who can be honest and say they handled things poorly. Lilly shared with me and I shared with her... making our lunch the start of a new, better friendship.

Details tomorrow... now bed.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Finally I make my reply... for closure.

A while back I blogged about my dear friend Lilly and how back in March she sent me an email explaining why she had pulled away from our friendship. I was so deeply hurt have been eaten alive even since. Today I saw her walking in town and the ache in my heart was too much. I miss my friend... I want her back but she needs to love me for me, messy house, crazy kids, nutty husband and all. I miss the small amount of community I was building and the people in that community who decided they needed a time out.

We shall see how my words are received. I have also shared with her this blog. Lilly is the first real life person I have shared my blog with. I wanted her to read her my words as I am sure the post about her was more honest in someways then the email.

Happy reading... any comments would be appreciated.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lilly,

I am now replying to your "letter" from back in March... via email since obviously it is impossible for us to find any time at all to spend together. And as you yourself said, I know this is impersonal and I do hope it comes across as intended.

I have thought of your letter and your words often over the past 6 months. I have gone through so many emotions from sadness to anger to indifference to just plain frustration. You did pull back for our friendship, pushing me so far away I am not sure where I stand anymore. You did not communicate, you said you loved me, that I was your best friend, so why not be there for me? Why push and pull our relationship into nothingness?

I know my husband is not perfect. Yes, he can be less then loving towards me and that does not set a good example for our kids. I will not make excuses for him or his behavior as I am not sure it would even make a difference anymore. But honestly, even you have had moments with your husband that you are not proud of, moments that both of you regret and try not to have happen again. But I would never have "pulled back" from our friendship when you might have needed me the most. I would have been there for you not making myself unavailable. If I had thought you were "drowning" in your life, I would have tried to throw you a life-line, not turned my back as you drifted out to sea.

Over my life I have never really felt powerful, never had a positive self esteem. There have been times I have felt better about myself and others when I have felt in the pits. My husband may feed into my self-doubt and worthlessness, but I don't need his help to feel crappy about my existence. Trust me, I can do that very well all on my own!

There have been times, many times I was there for you, listening to your in-law issues, being there for nursing and new mother questions, helping any way I could to be a good friend, a best friend. Yes, my life has been a crazy mess, and it may have been "painful" to hear and watch, but instead of telling me how you felt, it seems you made a half hearted attempt to be supportive... then ran as soon as you had the chance. There has only really been one other time in my life I have felt so left, so alone and that relationship ended in divorce.

I know there are times I do not seem happy, and I am sorry you felt it was too much for you. You can say you do not judge me but that is what you did, judged my life and decided you could no longer deal. You can say you did not want us to stop being friends, but that is what happened. We lost our friendship, and I am so deeply heartbroken.

You know what really hurt, where I really felt your "pulling back"... when you started to exercise and went on Weight Watchers. I am not sure I have said how PROUD I am of your new life, your weight loss and fulfilling your dream of owning your own horse. But please know the high school girl in me felt so left out. I would have loved to have worked out with you, to have counted points with you, to have had a friend there to travel that road. But you made the choice to pull away, and as much as I respect your need for self preservation, it still hurt.

I know I do not have as much love for myself as I do for others. There is something hardwired in me to be there for others before I am there for myself. This does lend itself to being taken advantage of, by strangers and loved ones alike. This is my fatal flaw, being nicer to others then to myself. I have been trying to find myself, trying to find ways to give my life meaning beyond my home and family.

I had been building friendships, building adult relationships that I had hoped would become extended family. I long for routine, for community, for longevity. I had hoped to be able to look back and have memories built on a shared history, Halloween dinners, future PTA meetings, scrapbooks and birthday parties. Silly as it may seem, this is what was and IS important me, finding life outside myself.

You said at the end of the "letter" you did not me to be angry with your honesty. Please know I am not angry in a mad way, however I am angry in a sad way. I am sad that as much as you said you valued our friendship and that you said missed me, you have been unable to make the time to be my friend. I have reached out to you and always you have something else seemingly more important to tend to, and we never have gotten back to where were, to creating a stronger deeper friendship built on honesty and trust. That is way I find myself angry, angry and hurt by the what could have been's.

Lilly, I saw you as a sister, as the first adult true friend I had ever had... yes my second best friend since Erin in High School. I trusted you, looked up to you, felt we had the beginnings of a real sisterhood. Even all these months later I really don't understand how yet again I could have been let something so important get so messed up, so miss place.

I know you did not want us to stop being friends, but that seems to be what happened. It makes me want to cry as I think back... on how this all fell apart. Today I saw you crossing the street but I saw you too late to wave, and am not sure you even saw me . It made me so sad that I felt tonight was the night I needed to get some resolution, some closure. We have missed out on so much over the past year, it saddens me to think about how big our kids have gotten and how much we have both missed out on.

Where do we go from here?

B

Wordless Wednesday

"Hi, my name is Elizabeth and I am a baby!"

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

is it Wednesday already?


Two kids, two different hats!!!


Where does the time go? As a mother of two young kids, it feels like you turn around and time has flown by! I still have yet to get myself on a real schedule... I need one, my family needs one!!!! Maybe tomorrow when I have some time to myself I will sit in the quiet and look at how I use my time.

In other news, do you love my new look? It needs a few tweaks and I need to fully set up the side bar, but how amazing! I want to cry every time I look at my blog. Ya know what it feels like... when you leave the hair salon after getting the best hair cut thinking you do not deserve to look this good? My blog is so perfect that it feel criminal. Beth @ Ruby and Roja is so skilled and really listened to what I wanted, making the perfect image for what I am feeling. It is a shame I have been off the grid for a few days, but I hope to be able to use this blog much more over the weeks to come.

So we have a new family member... Princess Kitty!
Hubby came home two days ago with the most adorable kitten ever! The kids love her and she seems to get along well with the dogs. I am so happy! Princess Kitty is my new best friend!

Friday, September 26, 2008

Like Christmas

So sometime in the next 24 hours, my lowly blog is gonna look so amazing it makes me want to cry. I want this to be a place I am proud of, that reflects me and what I am trying to create. My personal space to be able pour my heart out and feel at home.

I know this may sound really crazy, but having a pretty blog is very important to me. My real-life home has been under renovation since 2002. We have been moving slowly. This house always feels less like a home and more like a makeshift construction site. The kids rooms are finished, beautiful in fact. When I have a chance, I will post pictures of the sweet spaces in which our kids sleep.

There is a huge feeling of the unfinished in my life. This house, friendships, my weight, my marriage all feel like they are yield signs rather then green lights. Having this blog LOOK beautiful and FEEL completed is going to be a mentally huge! Beth has take two images we found, combined them, and I can't wait to see how the whole concept comes together. After this is finished, I am going to attach my crafting blog.

I WANT MY NEW BLOG!!!!!!!!

Ok off to make x-mas stocking and watch the gasbag debates.

Monday, September 22, 2008

"Not Me!" Monday

Welcome to the first "Not Me!" Monday Blog Carnival. I am so excited to take part of my weekly carnival I can't stand it. There are almost 200 blogs taking part, I am number 98! I will find a way to add the Mr. Linky Blog Roll and post it as soon as I can. So here we go...

Let me start by saying I most certainly did not spend the better past of the weekend thinking of something to post today. And after figuring out what to post I did not wait until 11pm to post. That would be so silly of me!

On Tuesday of last week, I was not the mother who let her kids run around the yard like crazy kids when they should have been getting ready for bed. Jack did not get his clean little body covered in paint and I would never have taken over 50 pictures of the mess. I had thought Jack could sleep in this outfit, but no such luck. I would never admit Jack had already taken one bath that day, now he just might need a second. So much for my good intentions.

Please know I would never have let them get that dirty then continue to play on the swing set and take more pictures. My kids we so not playing well after the sun went down. Also, we did not get eaten alive bugs to the point it really did get too late to be outside. Did I say 50 images, it was more like 150! Thank God for digital!

I would never admit that I love it when my kids get covered head to toe in life, the dirt, paint, snot that it the life of a small child. I never understood cleaning and re-cleaning a child when you could save yourself a load of work by simply letting them get totally filthy and hosing them down later.

A dirty child is a happy child!!!

Friday, September 19, 2008

long time..

no post...

I have had so much to say and can never find the mental time to get the words out. There have been a few good things going on I felt I would share so here goes...

1) Hubby is getting a job! He has been working with a few friends on his own doing renovations, tile, kitchen installations and general house repair. Well he has done a few things for this one man over the past year and has found a way turn it into a real job. This man is an eccentric artist son of a famous writer. He lives a mile away from his mother in a house specially renovated about 10 years ago just for him. Now there are so many projects that need to be done that Hubby created a job call "property manager" which will take a lot of time, emotions and pay damn good money! This will really change the way we have been living and take a huge burden off his shoulders.

2) I have spend the past few days cleaning and organizing in the kitchen. I will post pictures later, but 1/4 of the space is my sewing area where my sewing table, fabric, and projects are stored. This is the first time I have had this area all pulled together since we dedicated this space to sewing. I can now think when I sit at the desk and feel like I can get something done.

3) This week I joined a Block-Swap at our local quilt shop! Again, pictures tomorrow, but lets just say I am so excited!!! At the end I will have 72 blocks to create a quilt with or use how ever... but my plan right now is to create a cool quilt for donation.

4) Over the past few days I have been working with Beth @ Ruby & Roja Designs to create a new blog... a makeover of this dump stock blog design. I looked at thousands of stock images before I found 2 I loved. Beth ran with these and created something that left me speechless! There were a few details that needed to be addressed but the over all design is more then i could have asked for... my dream blog header in colors that make me swoon! By the end of next week I to have a fresh new blog, one I can look at and be inspired.

5) I have decided to take part in a weekly blog carnival hosted by the mommy @ My Charming Kids. She has written a few hilarious posts like this one about things she has NOT done! It seems it has taken off so she set of this carnival... could be super funny! As a mom of two small kids I know just how she feels. And at moment like these, there always seems to be a camera around. Check out he blog and her inspiring story.

So this is post has take HOURS to write... as I watch TV, talk to Hubby, and endlessly look/read blogs. Now it is bed time... sleep well all!

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

A few fun questions....

Things can get a bit heavy in blog-land, so Beth over @ I Should Be Folding Laundry set forth a few questions to lighten the mood a little. Here they are...

1. Do you pass gas in front of your spouse/partner?

2. Do you make your bed everyday?

3. Do you floss everyday?

4. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?

5. Do you eat when you are not hungry?

6. Is your car always messy?

7. How often do you clean your bathtub and shower?

Kinda fun right???? Maybe you guys can answer them in the comments... if there IS anyone out there! Helllloooo.......

1. Do you pass gas in front of your spouse/partner?

**WITHOUT A DOUBT! HE HAS SEEN ME GIVE BIRTH TWICE, WHAT IS WRONG WITH A LITTLE GAS?

2. Do you make your bed everyday?

**NOPE... AND WHEN I DO THE DOGS JUST MESS IT UP.

3. Do you floss everyday?

**I KNOW I SHOULD... BUT NO,

4. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?

**A STUFFED DOG I WAS GIVEN BY MY FATHER WHEN I HAD TEETH PULLED WHEN I WAS A KID AND A BEAR I WAS GIVEN FROM 2 FRIENDS YEARS AGO. DOG UNDER MY HEAD AND BEAR IN MY ARMS... MY POOR HUSBAND!

5. Do you eat when you are not hungry?

**I WOULD NOT HATE MY SIZE SO MUCH IF I ONLY HAD FOOD WHEN I WAS HUNGRY!

6. Is your car always messy?

**TWO KIDS IN A SMALLISH CAR... YOU BET!

7. How often do you clean your bathtub and shower?

**NOT AS OFTEN AS I SHOULD I AM SURE, BUT ABOUT EVERY THREE DAYS.

Hope to hear/read YOUR answers!

Sunday, September 7, 2008

An issue that needs resolving...

I once had a friend...

She was my first real mommy friend. We met when she was nearing the end of her pregnancy. At the time, we went to this local coffee shop each day for caffeine & blueberry muffins. Beaker was one of the star attractions. This friend, whom we shall call Lilly, always let her gaze linger longingly on the magic of my one year old bundle of energy. We started to exchange simple pleasantry's which grew into full fledged conversations. We left NY after Christmas to spend the New Year's Holiday with my folks in Michigan. All the time we were gone I kept thinking about the nice woman and her cute husband. They really did seem so excited to be welcoming a daughter into their family.

When we returned from our trip we did not see them at breakfast. It seems Lilly was late and did not give birth until the middle of January. She was always on my mind, a thread not followed, a story with out ending. It was such a bee in my brain I almost went to her husband's store to find out if she had had the baby, checking to see if all was perfect with their new addition.

With the weather cold and the sidewalks icy, Lilly did not walk to town much those early weeks. Then one day I did see them, yelled from my car a quick congratulations and a promise to talk soon over coffee and oatmeal. It felt wonderful to know these nice people seemed so happy to be parents. Over that spring we saw each other a few mornings a week. Then we started walk in the afternoons a few days a week, giving us a chance to really get to know one another. We bitched about mother's in laws, talking about renovations and nursing issues, and shared deep pains and profound joys. I began to love this woman as a sister, friend, confidant. Lilly was one of the first people I told I was pregnant with Jack, who traveled with me through my whole 9 months and who brought me the most beautiful flowers the day he was born.

With two kids life can spin out of control, tempers get short, life becomes disorganized. We still saw each other a few days a week at breakfast but it was not as restful as it had been when there was only one child to worry about. It was however a friendship that made me feel whole, made me feel like I had found one true friend who I was bonded with for years to come. Our kids would go to the same school, play on the same playground, and over time think of each other as family.

How then did it all fall apart? How did I drive her away? Why did she give up on me, my family? I trusted her to be there for me but when push came to shove she moved out of the way, letting me fall flat on my face... all alone. Some friend...

A tiny bit of back story... my husband comes from a house hold with addiction, finical issues, and the typical craziness that comes from living and working within a large multigenerational Italian family. He is quick to temper and can be verbally hurtful faster then his brain can process. Even he will tell you he is a much better father then husband. There were many a time I cried on Lilly's shoulder because of things he said or did, but that is what friends are for, support. We have suffered MAJOR money problems and almost had our house taken from us in foreclose. There have been broken bones by a crazed customer, trucks rolling down the driveway on their own, and more physical chaos in my home then I can fix. But helping friends is what friendship is all about, being there in good and bad.

Around November last year Lilly began to pull away, however I was so warped up in the planning for the kids birthday weekend that hardly noticed. Then I inadvertently stuck my foot in my mouth but I worked real hard to make nice nice. After the holidays Lilly was not around, busy getting her own life in order, joining a gym, losing 40 lbs and feeling stronger as a mother and wife. I was hurt because I felt totally left out and pushed aside but I tried to see where she was coming from... self growth and change. But in my heart I wished she could have included me more in her life. I know it sounds so very middle school, but that is how I fell.

While on vacation in Florida in March, she sent me an email, subject... Letter.

"Barb, I'm writing you this because it seems like we can never get together without distractions. I know email is impersonal....so sorry, I hope I come across as intended.

You probably can feel that I've pulled back from our friendship lately. I'm sorry I haven't communicated better, there's really no excuse for not talking with you sooner...I guess I just didn't know how.

You are the best friend I have had since high school, and I love you dearly. And that's why it's so hard sit by and ignore things that bother me. So being honest:

I think your husband treats you horribly. And he's not being a good father if he's treating the mother of his kids the way he treats you. You've given up your power, your money and your self esteem to someone who does not deserve you. I also know you feel totally overwhelmed by your house, the kids, Husband, everything. To me it seems like you are drowning...and I don't know what to do.

It seems like there is one thing after another that keeps you from "getting it together" in the way that you want.....and it's so painful to hear and watch.

Please, I am not judging you. I know this is your life. But you don't seem happy......and I'm having a hard time being around it all.

I don't want us to stop being friends..... I feel like I have made some serious positive changes lately, and it's hard, but possible. I truly want you to be happy in all aspects of your life. You are such a generous, giving, thoughtful friend. I think you love everyone a hell of a lot more than you love yourself. YOU deserve your own attention before anyone else does.

I hope you are not angry with my honesty......I do miss you!

Lilly"


WOW.... I was so freaked out I could not breath, sucker punched that my own best friend could not deal with me. My first husband dumped me cause I was not good enough and now the woman who I thought would be a part of my life forever is passing judgment on me even if she claims she is not. WOW! I tell you I cried like a baby. You can read back here, here and here to see that this was not a great time for me. I needed her friendship more then she could have ever known.

Alone... I felt and FEEL so alone. I hurt so deep, even after all these months. I saw her on a walk with her now 2.5 year old daughter and felt a profound sadness at having missed out on her growing up. She used to love me, run to me with huge hugs reserved only for family. Now I don't even think she would know me. She would get so excited when she saw my car, now I doubt she would even care if it was parked in front of her house. DAMN DAMN DAMN!!!

We have gotten together a hand full of time but they have been strained at best, the elephant in the room making us both very uncomfortable. I sent her an email and a Facebook post the other day and she has yet to reply. Nice feeling... snubbed.

So here is what I want... CLOSURE. I know she loves/loved me and only wrote her letter out worry and fear for my mental health and her own need for self-protection. But damn it still hurts no matter how much love was behind her words. I need to write her back and tell her how I feel, how she made me feel. I am scared to make her hurt the same way she made me hurt, yet I really don't care. I want... more like NEED... to get this out of my mind and off my heart so I can move on... with or with out my friend.

What do I say... How do I say it... Will she even care... Chances I need to take for my own self protection.

Any advices short of burning my house down or divorcing my husband (just joking) would be very helpful. Thank you in advance.... :-)

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

head in my you-know-what

Another day and too much to do... cleaning, washing, loading, putting away. I was blessed to have yesterday free of kids as well as today, however the motivation I had when I woke up is all but depleted. I just want to sink into bed and cry. I want sleep, put unadulterated afternoon-nap sleep. While I have done nothing to day to earn it, I may just give in to the sweet whispers of the bed... calling out for my body's return.

Today was Beaker's first day at Pre-K and Jack's second full day at the sitters. The excitement I felt when I dropped them both at the sitters yesterday was nothing compared to seeing my baby girl in her new classroom. I know she will learn so much in the coming weeks. Her teacher seems amazingly nice and she will have at least one friend in her class. I have know for some time that she has been under stimulated, capable of learning like a sponge, so this is going to be such a blessing. Since having her ear tubes put in back in May, Beaker's speech has grown like I never expected, her clarity getting better by the day. Her speech therapy will begin again tomorrow, so who knows what we can expect... my baby can talk so ANYONE can understand her!

But the quiet and the silence are a drug. I simply want to listen to the cars driving by the house and enjoy the small breeze. Not such a good thing when your husband is quick to point out the price tag of this peace. I need to get my head out of the dark place it is hiding, go get something to eat, and get to work. Pride is something I long for, from my husband as well as from myself.

So now I get off my butt and get moving...

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

the time is now

So I have taken a few months off from my blog to rethink why I began this in quest in the first place, why my sanity would matter to anyone other then my own twisted self.

I have now become a hoarder of blogs... mommy blogs, news blogs, hundreds of sewing & craft blogs, and a few dozen blogs about celebrity gossip. I am a user of an internet web browser called Flock which allows me to bookmark and subscribe to as many blogs as I can find... link away baby!

It is amazing reading about what people find interesting, relevant, and meaning full to write about. People share their pain and their fears... their imagination and their creations... their friends and their family. But what all the hundreds of blogs I have read have in common is honesty. Each have a unique purpose and vision to express the writer's need to share what is on the writer's heart and mind. You can't not but respect a blogger as they let their life unfold before us in each post.

But where does that leave me... the hapless blogger who was too worried about links and grammar to see what a powerful tool this new media could be for me as I struggle to find my own corner of the web. There is so much I want to say, to share, to create, but without the over thinking perfectionism.

One of the blogs I have been reading is finslippy. Yesterday she had me in tears with the closing line of her post. I urge you to check out her post entitled "a few words about writing". I will leave you with her words...

"Don't sit and agonize over how you're not good enough. Don't leave yourself with a pile of dead clay. Start and keep going; if you stop, start again, and keep going."

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Slacking....

* Has it really been since Friday since I last sat down and wrote? My head has been in the clouds since this heat started last week. Who can deal with almost 100 degree heat 4 days in a row. Right now it is a freezing 72 out... better then it being about 85 Sunday night. Jack and I never left the house today it was so nasty. A storm just blew over, cooling and moving the hot stagnant air. It looks like the next few days should be in the middle 80's, much more tolerable.

* All day I thing of things to type, but by this time of day I am dead tired. I keep having to take a rest in the afternoon as I find I can't keep my eyes open. Right now I am beat. I found some energy tonight to clean... all I do is clean! The down stairs bathroom was smelling nasty since Beaker potty training so I KNOW there is "stuff" all over the bowl and floor.

* I just fell asleep until the tv got super loud! Scared me to death. I think I should take this tired body up to bed. XOXOXOXOXOOOOXO

Friday, June 6, 2008

baby Charlie update

Here is the email from my sister-in-law. All the prayers have helped as Charlie is still percolating. Now we just have to pray Dianna does not sink into a como from boredom!!!!

******************************************

Hello All!
So our first pregnancy went so smoothly, Charlie has decided to keep us on our toes with his pregnancy. Tuesday morning I woke up to what I thought was the pleasant incontinent symptom pregnant women can experience. I called the dr that afternoon to see if they could check to make sure it wasn't amniotic fluid. Lo-and-behold, it turns out my water had actually broken. At that time I was only 33 weeks 5 days pregnant. A little too soon to be having this baby. So they admitted me to the hospital on the spot. I was lucky enough to get a room w/ faulty internet, so I'm just now able to send out this email.
When I first got here I was having mild contractions. But those have gone away now. Basically I'm on hospital bed rest until Charlie makes his grand entrance. Should I go into labor now, they will not try to stop it, but the hope is to make it a few more weeks. But all things considered, should he come sooner rather than later, he should be just fine.
Dianna

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

prayers

* I need to ask for some prayers...

* My brother and his wife are due with their second child, a son named Charlie, in mid-July. It seems, however that he may want to see the world a bit sooner then the doctors would like. My sister-in-law felt funny and went to the the Dr's office to find she is leaking fluid. They put her in the hospital, are hydrating her, and hoping a bit of rest will get things back to "normal."

* Charlie is a big baby. Even though he seems to be already 7lbs, his lungs are not ready for him to be born. They are going to try and stabilize the situation but lots of bed rest my be in my sister-in-laws future. I know Dianna is so very scared, I would be freaking out! She has amazing doctors, but I know that is of little help when your baby is in danger.

* Please send prayers for my bother, his wife, their 2 year old Will and baby Charlie... more when I know anything.

Post a Day list

* Just a quick note to send the link to the Post a Day in May master list. There are some amazing women and men blogging who took part in this challenge. If you are looking for a new friend, check out some of theses blogs.

Monday, June 2, 2008

Red Wings *FINAL*4-3 Pittsburgh*

* Ok I admit it... I grew up in Hockey Town. My Mom is a sports nut and loves all the Detroit teams. Tonight is a HUGE night. Right now, at 11:10pm the Wings are one goal away from their 11th Stanley Cup victory. The game is tied 3 - 3 in over time. Now is the Wings lose today, there are still 2 more chances to win.

* Over my life I have lived in the shadows of my Mom's love of all sports, NHL, NBA, NASCAR. My Dad gets romantic and excited about specific games but not a whole season like my Mom. Each year at the start of the Red Wings season she rips out the reschedule form the news paper, tapes it to the side of the tv, and after each game she marks it winning or losing with either red or black pen. Freak... My Dad would rather have his face in a book or be doing something rather then sit and watch 3 or 4 games at once. Mom will have different games she jumps to, NBA on one station, drag racing on the other then back to a baseball game. It is nuts!!!

* But please know she is not butch, over bearing, or crazy with "stuff". She does not have tattoos of her teams, load of bumper stickers, or season tickets. I have friends and some of Hubby's family who "bleed blue" for their blessed NY Yankees. His aunt has a house FULL of Yankee player figurines. She does not go to all the games like a few guy friends of mine, but at least 2 or 3 times a season she drives the 1.5 hours to the House that Ruth Built to eat dirty water hot dogs with traditional Sabrett's onions in sauce. No my Mom is not that cool... she is a 60 something suburban upper class house wife, mother of 2, grand mother of 4, with a deep love... not an all consuming obsession... of sports.

* So it is now 11:57pm and we are well into the second over time. I have called home to find my Mom a mess! My Dad is at a meeting over night so she is all alone with no one to hold her hand and cover her eyes. Like I said, the only good thing is when all is said and done, either the Cup stays in Detroit or we have another game Wednesday @ 8pm on NBC.

* This is so frantic. Hockey moves so fast, it can be hard to follow as the puck moves at lighting speed over the ice. 7 minutes left... so much fight left in both teams. Ok now only 3 minutes...

* Damn! Still no score! TRIPLE OVERTIME! I looked it up and in post-season play, there will be over times until one team scores. Theses guys must be so jacked up... but totally exhausted.

* Oh well... 9:57 in 3rd OT, Pittsburgh scores. Off to bed!

something interesting from lifehackery.com

* Here is something interesting I found in my feed-box today from LifeHackery.com They feature a list of three of their most useful/great posts of 2008. I thought I might share as I found them very interesting and insightful.

1) They have a link to an article posted back in January about making 2008 the best year every simply by letting go. In the post there are specific suggestion g on how to let go of the past, of guilt, of revenge among others.

2) On January 10th they posted about writing personal goals. I totally need to do this! Maybe if I followed their steps and crafted my own mission statement maybe I would not feel like I am floundering as much.

3) Lastly, on January 11th they tell us how to using our blogs as a tool for self grown can keep changes on track with the added advantage of feed-back by connecting to others.

* I think this week I am going to think more about a letting go... of the pain, hurt and resentment I have for myself and others. This can only help me become whole again. The mission statement is something I can tackle with the new therapist. Blog away my friends!

first food post!

* Hey all!

* I have just posted 2 pictures on "The Food Group" Flickr photo pool. It is a fun meme challenge set up by Chickpea Sewing Studio to take photos every day of food in your life and post them. Why not? So here is Day 1...

Saturday, May 31, 2008

not perfect but....

* So I missed a few days at the start, one in the middle, and back-posted this past week, but it was an interesting adventure. I now see what an important part blogging can have in my life. I think all day long about what to blog, yet not everything gets on the page. I need a notebook to remember all the crazy things that run in my head and need to get out.

* The only draw back to the "Post a Day in May" contest is I felt like I was posting to an audience, trying to prove something as a new blogger. Right now only you know who I am, that I blog. Not even my Hubby has see the blog. He knows I write not what I have said. None of my friends or family have any idea, and I have no idea if any of my real life friends blog.

*But I see now this has to be just for me, my words, my thoughts, my blog. Being creative is something I crave. There is an inner drive in me to make things, fix things, and add beauty to my life. If I can see things on a site like etsy all the better,right now it is like breathing, create to live. To this end, I am going to have this blog all for me, the craziness that is my life and family. I struggle, I hurt, I grow.

* I am going to start a second blog to focus on the crafting side of my life, the artist. I am so excited to be working with Beth @ Be Design on brighting up this joint and launching the crafting blog/etsy store. Their work is amazing and their prices seem as reasonable as the next for the personal service you receive. I have been reading Beth's blog for a few months now and am taken by her stills as a blogger. She writes with honesty, humor, and heart, she lays it all on the line. What you see with Beth is what you get, love her... worts and all.

* Looking forward, I am trying to figure out what I want this blog to become. There are things in my life I am working though that can find an outlet on this blog, but I would also like to share my thoughts on all things mom, gear, books, etc. It may take a few weeks to find the rhythm and soul of my blog, but I am excited to create a place to express my self.

* Thank you to all the bloggers who wrote each day, sharing their families, their feeling, and their crafts. And to Jenny, thank you for your beautiful blog and for inspiring us to get on and post.

Friday, May 30, 2008

Links...

5 Craft Blogs that blow my mind!

1) Craft magazine: Their blog travels the web and brings together the crafting highlights from across the blogisphere. They also publish a quarterly magazine that is amazing.

2) Design*Sponge: This site features before and afters, DIY projects, podcasts, and so much more. You can get lost in their world of modern design.

3) Marmadaisy- I like to make stuff: This is a new blog I found this week. She had almost 30 detailed "Fat Quarter Friday" tutorials. Each gives you step by step instructions on how to complete each project with pictures to boot. I am itching try her ironing board cover.

4) Ikea Hacker: WOW! People take ordinary objects from Ikea and turn them into extraordinary items! it amazes me how after you read a few posts you start to look as the objects in your own home with a new eye.

5) Tip Junkie: Another website proves there are too few hours in the day!

Thursday's Post

Four years ago today....

Wordless Wednesday!


Tuesday's Post

* Sorry for back tracking... this week has been a bit of a mess so far.

* Don't hate me because I am slow to post!

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Monday's missing post

* I passed out. NO really, I passed out... from the exhaustion of a weekend with out the Hubby. He was so tired Monday morning after he got home at 2am that I let him sleep in for a few hours. Nice wife I am! When he came home the house was all picked up, dishes running and you would never have known it was a HUGE mess just a few hours before.

* We ended up having people over for an impromptu BBQ. It was fun cause they brought all the food and I just had to shove chips in my mouth and keep the kids from hurting themselves. There was no clean up since we used paper plates. The perfect party... I do nothing and we eat for free!

* We took the kids in for bath and bed. Beaker wanted to watch TV so we cuddled in my bed after Jack was asleep. Hubby came up after Diego was over, put little miss in her bed, and I guess I just passed out. I woke at 10:30 to uses the potty, get out of my clothes, and drink some water.

* Guess I needed the sleep! Sorry I did not post but I assed out!

Sunday, May 25, 2008

tired

* Hubby is still a few hours away. I just spent the last 2 hours picking up after my weekend with the kids. The laundry is running, the dishwasher empty, floors swept and general mess hidden. Now he will never know I made a skirt for Beaker this weekend which in turn made the living room a messy mess. Tomorrow I will even take the kids away for a few hours in the am so he can get some rest, vacation day after his vacation.

* Tomorrow, Memorial Day, is when we have typically celebrated our wedding anniversary. We were wed 4 years ago on the 29th, but seems easier to just celebrate on the Monday Holiday. I hated our wedding. So much about us a couple was unsettled a the time that we should never have been at the alter. Hubby was deep in the grasp of a nasty addiction that took him another 2 years to get over. I was 5 month pregnant with Beaker and in no mood for a huge party. But the whole thing was planned so why not? That night I was so tempted to walk out on, leave 125 friends and family to wonder why the bride had taken the shuttle back to the hotel before even the cake was cut. Hubby had a great deal of growing up to do, and out wedding was just another even where he let his addictions take over. I even asked his point blank and he said no, he was fine. I knew better.

* That night at the hotel, our first night as husband and wife, I was ready to rip up my dress and leave him. I cried and cried for what seemed like days. I did not want to go on our honeymoon cause i did not want to be alone with him. That first year was hell. I am not going to go into crazy details, but the fact he is not in jail and we are sill married is a mystery only God know the answer to. Our first anniversary was spent at my brothers wedding, where true to form, Hubby let his daemons take over. How embarrassing to have your husband make a scene, to make you cry, to disappear in the middle of a family wedding . I had to tell my father that I did not know where Hubby was and that I was leaving the party early. I was so ashamed. How I showed my face the next day is another mystery.

* The pain still runs deep. The feelings of betrayal, mistrust and disgust still surface. I have anger that I fear will never go away. But life goes on, the kids need to be love so I love him. I am tired but I keep on loving.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

flounder is a fish

* Floundering... that is what life feels like. I am drifting along, just getting by, living a life that is less then I desire. My emotions are over the map this past week. The weaning has made my period super long and my patience super short. JackJack is less then thrilled to awaken in the middle of the night and not get his boobs. So I nurse him, just a few indulgent moments until he is ready to return to sleep. There will come a day when I make him mad cause I do not have "enough" milk for him, but that day is not today.

* I want time for me, selfish time to do nothing but watch tv, craft and be alone. I want to cry all the time for no real reason. It feels like I am staring at the computer hours and hours a day and getting nothing done. What do I hope to accomplish by reading blogs, bookmarking websites and drooling over craft projects I would love to do? Lost in the muck!

* Next week I am taking my depression and self loathing on the road to a new therapist. The woman who I have been seeing for the past 5 years is amazing. She has compassion and a genuine interest in my life. There have been times when life was totally out of hard that she was the only one there to support and encourage. Now is the time for me... I need to get my ass kicked. I need to go into a therapists office and start fresh, forget all the background crap, lay the scraps of my life on the table and quickly move to fix what is broken.

* One of the things I slack on is sleep. I am a night owl by birth so getting to bed before 1am these days is unthinkable. Starting next week I am going to make getting to be at a decent hour, like 10pm a priority. Maybe then I will feel less off.

* Fish out of water I tell you!

Friday, May 23, 2008

New links... New to me this week!

* 5 new sites/blogs I found this week... ENJOY!

1) Heard on TV: They list songs for TV shows like CSI, Ugly Betty and Lost. The best is they link you to iTunes and other websites where you can order the songs. I found this when I was looking for a song I heard on Without a Trace.

2) Monday's a Bitch: A fun meme site to spark your creativity first thing Monday AM.

3) The Food Group- one-a-day photoshare
: I found this on a sewing blog called Chickpea Sewing Studio. This seems like it could be fun, taking a picture of food and posting it daily on Flickr.

4) BeDesign: Beth of I Should Be Folding Laundry and Christy of Real Life Adventures started an amazing new blog design company called BeDesign. When I get some extra $$$ I can't wait to get my "blog done".

5) Here be Old Things: Just found this tonight... can't wait to explore!

* Have a good weekend!

Thursday, May 22, 2008

weekend

* Last weekend was mine, this weekend is HIS!

* Hubby and a dozen friends are going to some dirt track in upstate NY for a manly bonding weekend. ATV's and dirt bikes... camping... beer... HAVE FUN! There is nothing I would rather do LESS then go with 2 kids for a weekend of redneck fun.

* I am totally looking forward to 36 hours in the house alone. Do all wives get more done with their husband out of town? Should make for fun and crafts with the kids. I am looking to make something for the dad's for Father's Day. With no Hubby we can craft with out being spied on... so it can be a surprise.

* I am off to bed, will post links tomorrow.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

harder then I thought

* It was only one time... late at night... screaming tears... mommy is pain... son in pain... husband ready to get a hotel room. I folded... I gave in... I was a mom to a baby again. When it became apparent that JackJack was not going to fall back asleep after his 1am toss and turn, all hell broke loose. I was a mess! I was full and tired and needed to bond one last time. There were moments that I was strong, I gave him water and lots of hugs... even a few kisses. But nothing worked. Nothing calmed the beast.

* We talked, we fought, we heatedly discussed. Hubby was convinced he would fall back asleep. I was not so sure. Hubby went in for cuddles, for kisses, and nothing. A few moments of calm then more tears. I curled up in our bed, trying not to loses it worse then I already had. It was excruciating. A mother should not have to hear her child cry like that, to need her comfort and not get her. I have not cried like that for a long time. I was so hurt and so lost.

* I felt useless. 20 minutes of hell, the crying escalating in both rooms.

* Finally the damn broke. Hubby got back in bed, rolled over with the order to go feed the boy. He said I was going to blow the chance to wean JackJack and it was not 100% my problem. I did not care, I was free to mother my son. I could not get to his room fast enough, crying with relief. I picked up my 18 month old son, my baby boy. I held him and kissed his snotty face. He is my baby, my little baby. He needed to know I was still going to be there for him, to nurture him, to bond with him for life. He nursed with gusto, like a drunk who fell off the wagon. Tears rolled down my face as I stroked his little head.

* It was amazing. If that is the last time I feed him it will be a good end. It was poetry. How can I give up something so natural, so loving.? What am I doing, letting my little baby become a toddler? Feeding him felt like home, like I was born to be this boys mother. It felt so perfect feeding him, holding him close. The first peace I had felt since before my weekend away. My body felt less full, my mind clear. I was home.

* In the AM, hubby and I had it out. Or should I say he blew a ton of hot air, making the point over and over that this was not his deal anymore. Weaning is hard work... for 18 months we have had a bond that was unspeakable. Now it is over. JackJack is a big boy, he needed me once, to reconfirm I would always be there for him, fill his emotional love tank. He has not really asked again. He has acted like he wants to nurse, but we are weathering the storm.

* Together.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

no more milk

* Sorry I missed a post yesterday, I was not feeling well and went to bed early. The allergies I had over the weekend messed up my whole system, leaving me with a stuffy head and upset tummy. Anyway, the other big news from this weekend is I am no longer breastfeeding JackJack. We had been down to about once a day so being gone for a few days was the perfect time to wean.

* I feel off... I feel useless... I feel like a part of me has died. This is a good thing... Jack is 18 months old and ready for the cord to be cut between a boy and his boobs. Yet there was nothing to prepare me for the emotional turmoil and the physical ramification's of weaning. Beaker weaned herself as I had gotten pregnant with Jack and she was over it... not now. I think he would nurse as long as I let him.

*But it is time right? I need a break, he needs to grow up, and all will be well... right? I feel empty, like I still have so much to give yet nothing is needed. Am I right to do this? There is a HUGE part of me ready to "grow-up", take the next step in my motherhood. However hard this is, I know in my head this is right. But my heart is SCREAMING for me to go to him, to feed him, to hold him, to give of myself to him in a way only I can, his mother. The first night back he woke and cried out for what was only 15 minutes but seems like hours. I wanted to go to him, sooth him, take away the upset, but I did not. I cried, wept as he wept. I HATE THIS!!!! Why am I doing this? I feel full of milk for him that I know he does not need but I want to give it to him... give him my love.

* The two greatest things I have done in my life was give my children un-medicated natural births and breastfeed them exclusively for 6 months and for 10 plus months after. My children never had formula but for a bottle or two as newborns. They have never really had cow's milk and Jack will not ever try the stuff. This has been my gift to my kids and my joy. And it is now over. 99% I will not have any more babies, never again feeling kick inside me, feel their sweet just born skin, hold them close and give them their first hug. This weaning is the end of so many things not just the nursing bond I have shared with Jack.

*I have to pray I am doing the right thing for me, my son and the family as a whole. I have to pray I am honoring the love I have for JackJack and the need for my independence. I pray that God knows how blessed I have been being able to provide from my babies the milk only I can make. But it is over. I will be strong and weather the pains, emotional and physical, as the days turn into week and weeks into precious memories.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

emotional mess

* I am an emotional mess tonight, after a weekend away from life, reliving the memories of High School. It was so amazing to get back in touch with old friends we have not seen in years. My best friend and I have been close these 20 years, in each other's wedding and she is the god-mother of my son JackJack. Unfortunately other dear friends have fallen by the weigh side. Now as I sit, back in my world, I see all that could have been, all that I missed out on, and all the blessing I have received.

* I went to an all girls boarding school in CT. It is a small, intimate, yet powerful place where girls gain a voice and become strong women. At the time I may not have felt this, but my four years there were the best of my life. It was academically challenging, spirituality enlightening, and emotional profound. In so many ways, I am who I am because we were given that voice, a chance to speak for ourselves. There is nothing like knowing you do not have to get made up everyday, dumb yourself down to impress some lame boy, or worry about parents 24/7. When it was all over, I almost failed out my senior years so I would not have to leave. I always thought I would go back and become a dorm-parent, but that was not the road my life took.

* Was it the undiagnosed ADHD or acne or the extra pounds that made me feel like I was different. It would not change a thing... going to boarding school 700 miles from home or public high school two blocks away, I would have had the same internal chaos. Hell, at the local school it would have been worse! Back my junior year, I think my depression really began. There was one night I remember being ready to throw in the towel. The view from my second floor window was high and the ground so hard below. With me, it was always more hurting myself not really ending it all. I never jumped, yet I have scares that will always remain.

* When I left, I went to a state college in the mid-west. There were more girls on my dorm floor then in my graduating class. There were 2x's as many girls in my dorm then in the whole school! It was overwhelming to said the least. The first week I went to the local Woolworth and spent like 60 bucks on make-up. How odd to have BOYS in your class! I had 4 roommates my freshman year, 1 prom queen and 2 home coming court members. I was lost in a maze of testosterone and perfume. The rest is history...

* Well this post is all over the map, but I am glad I went, but I am also glad to be home! More tomorrow...

Saturday, May 17, 2008

HS Reunion

* Ok so it is after midnight, but just by a tiny bit. I am at my 20th High School this weekend. I am staying at my best friend's house. It is great to be back... I think everyone looks amazing. How is it that we all look the same? It feels like just yesterday we were all together, not 20 years ago. Most of us have kids, husbands, some wives (we went to an all girls school), yet we all seem to still fit together.

* Tonight there were like 10 of us here, but tomorrow there should be 2x's that by lunch. The odd thing is that I am ALONE! No kids, no husband, just me! I can sleep in tomorrow if I want, no one to feed or change or dress. My stomach is in knots. Hubby is bring the kids to lunch tomorrow and I my be too excited to speak. They will stay and then I guess go home and I will go back Sunday.

* For now I need sleep.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

lame

nothing to say

too much to say

going to bed

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

so brave!

* My Beaker is my hero! She was so brave today... almost no tears. By the end of the day she was her old self, but better. Hubby and I are CONVINCED she can hear better. If I speak soft and am not facing her, she turns around or answers. We feel this is something she would not have been able to just a few hours before. We go to the Dr next week for a follow up hearing test.

* What a burden off our shoulders. Now we can focus on bigger and better things... laundry, dishes, the mess I made in the living room tonight. Also, I have my 20th HS Reunion this weekend. Should be VERY interesting.

* More later...

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

ear tubes

* At 8:45am they plan to take Beaker into the OR to give her the PE Tubes. I am so happy she is going to be able to hear better and in turn talk better, but damn I am nervous. My sweet pain-in-the-ass baby girl is going to be out of my control and it scares me. I have faith she will be better then new when this is over, but there always a mother's over-protectiveness...

* Have any of your kids had this done? What should I expect? Did it make a huge difference? Was keeping the water out a hassle in the summer? Please give me a little motherly advice.... THANK IN ADVANCE!!!

Monday, May 12, 2008

oh here is something funny

* So this week we are broke, not an extra dime until Hubby gets paid. I have a standing shrink appointment Tuesdays @ 11am. It is $85 a "conversation" and right now we just don't have it. The plan was to call her and she what she wanted to do, pay for 2 next week or pass on tomorrow.

* Well before I could call, I got a voice mail from the therapist saying she had a medical issue and would not be able to keep our appointment. I called back laughing! Now should she pay ME $85 for the missed appointment? hehehhe

not much...

... to report. right now i need sleep, BADLY! enjoy the pictures and i will make two posts tomorrow.



Beaker and JackJack on Mother's Day.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

What I got for Mother's Day....

Why I love being a MOM...

Beaker is getting so old!
She is 3.5 years and as stubborn as they come. She is my world! Her mind moves almost as fast as my computer. She is creative, energetic, and so dearly loving. We are so excited for her to get her tubes on Wednesday. She will have a new life.



JackJack after 2 egg rolls for dinner. He is 17.5 months and the light of my heart. Jack is all boy! He loves to laugh, make funny faces, and tell you he is #1.


Wishing you all a VERY Happy Mother's Day!

Friday, May 9, 2008

guilty

* 5 Guilty Pleasure Gossip links... ENJOY!

1) TMZ

2) Dlisted
3) X17 Online
5) Celebrity Baby Blog
6) I am Not Obsessed- Celebrity Denial

* PS: Please share your 5 favorite Guilty Pleasure links... Where do you surf when you should be doing something else? Next week CRAFTS!

Thursday, May 8, 2008

projects

* Today was an amazingly fulfilling day. JackJack and I dropped Beaker off at the sitters then went shopping. Well it was shopping under the guise of our weekly running around. We went to the discount store, the WalMart, then off to the fabric store. It was a passable weather day so we parked at the farthest end of the shopping plaza and walked. Jack was so super cute.... he kept smiling and making the best faces. At 17 months, he is really getting his own personality, his own way of doing things, likes, dislikes. He is a love-bug, there is not a moment that goes by when I am with him that my heart is not full of joy. He is my dream come true.

* One of the things I crave is to create. I NEED to carve out time in my life to be artistic. In the future, I want to find a way to craft as a business, selling things that make me happy to make. I read like 50 blogs each day (ok I skim them with an RSS reader but still) to get inspiration. My mind explodes with project I want to try. Maybe tomorrow I will share a few of my favorite links, make it Favorite Friday... not bad if I do say so myself.

* Recently I have seen a load of cool re-do project, the trash to treasure type. I have friends looking on garbage day for small lost items that need love, a coat of stain, and a new life. I have been working on an old fashion luggage rack. It is wood and came with nasty broken straps. I did not strip the wood but sanded it to baby butt smooth. I stained it and then about 6 layers wipe on polyurethane followed by a thin application of finishing wax. Tomorrow everything will be done setting up so I can reassemble the rack with the new straps that I sowed. I can't wait to see it finished and will port images. This piece will be gifted to my Aunt Bliss who is always having company and would respect the time put into the restoration.

* At the fabric store, I found the perfect fabric to back the cheap Dora quilt we got Beaker for Christmas. It is a soft baby pink minky that washed up even softer then when I found it in the store. I have wanted to do this for her since we got the quilt but never made the time. It feels so amazing to have started something and actually finish. The quilt looks and feels like it will be the perfect addition to her room.

* I need this, to craft, to make things, beautiful things. I want to sell things, make other people happy, share my vision. I am not sure what form this will take, but I know I will suffocate and die if I can't make things. I have even set up an Etsy store but nothing is in it yet.... soon.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

change is good

* Today I did the unthinkable.... I walked for 30 minutes on our treadmill. We bought the thing from a good friend back in the fall. I have used it once... one single time! Other then that it sits in the living room out of the way yet a constant reminder of the exercise I SHOULD be getting. From all I have read, one of the simple things I can do for my diabetes and my depression is get regular exercise. Today, we begin!

* I have so many crazy fears, silly fears that stop me form creating the life I desire and deserve. I have this huge dread of my husband or any of his friends coming into the house, seeing me on the mill, and falling down laughing. I know, I know... silly of me but I can't help it! I would be so heart broken if my husband were to make a joke of my huge all sweating as I do my daily lifesaving routine. When you watch all the shows, the people who lose all the weight did not compromise about their exercise and the priority it was in their lives. They woke at 5am to go the gym or they did their workouts after their day was over. I want, NEED that to be me.

* Like posting a day... day one down 29 more to go!

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

good news

* Today was BIG! We took Beaker to the ENT for a hearing test. She has been slow to talk and her quality of speech is very muddled. The school system granted us two 1/2 visits from a therapist each week. It seems to have helped some what, but she has not advanced as quickly as we hoped. So on advice from the school, the therapist, and our daycare provider, we finally made an appointment for a complete hearing exam.

* The results were huge... it seems Beakers ears are full of fluid. Her left ear is much worse then her right. The tester said Beaker hears as if she is underwater. No wonder her words are muddy and her tone is always loud. She has no idea what an indoor voice is... god help us! The answer seems to be tubes, Pressure Equalizer Tubes, that will help drain the fluid and make it so she can HEAR 100%. What a miracle this could be... to be able to understand our daughter and have her understand us? I almost cried in the Dr's office.

* Next Wednesday she will go to the hospital in am and they tell us she should be bouncing around the house that very afternoon. I don't think she will miss a day of daycare. There maybe a little discomfort at the start, but they tell us it is minor. Soon we will have our daughter back! WOOHOO!!!

Monday, May 5, 2008

under the wire!

*so how was your day? over all my day was not too bad. here are a few images from our fun afternoon of art! we have been passing around the "spring sick" for about 2 weeks. it has really been extra nasty with the weather being bad and no end in site. lucky for me, the kids were feeling more like themselves today and the weather was dreamy. so we did art outside. took out the paints and paper but Beaker wanted to paint rocks. off we went in the yard with a little green pail and baby brother in toe to collect raw materials. after rocks, paper and clothing were painted and repainted, it was off to tubby time!

*damn, this makes me look like a really cool mom... when all i was doing was filling the time between naps and dinner. PLEASE ENJOY!!!

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Who do you think you are?

* I have no effing clue!

* I can tick off the obvious... wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend. I just turned 38, am dreadfully overweight, newly diagnose with Type II Diabetes, and 2 weeks away from my 20th HS reunion. Where did the last 20 years of my life go? How did I get to a place where I am looking back on that 18 year old girl... in the white dress holding a yellow rose as she received her HS diploma, full of hope, dreaming of the future... and wonder how did this happen?

* Somewhere on this crazy road I lost myself. There must have been a time when I felt whole, solid, human, yet for the life of me I can't find that place. I think and think, I therapy and therapy, I cry and cry but nothing... it feels like looking for something I may never find.

* The longing for self runs so deep it hurts. For as long as I can remember I have been in and out of depression, fighting the dark demons with sleep, sexual deprivation, procrastination, gluttony of all types, and most consistently with the magic pill Zoloft. These feelings starve my family and friends of the real me because I can not give them 100%.

* How do I let go and let "God"? How do I forgive myself so I can move past the feelings that have haunted me since I was a child? I need to get my life together. I need to start living, take back control of my actions. There has to be more to my life then feeling incomplete, the hole in my soul never really being full except with the blessed Zoloft. To be honest with myself I have put much of this looking on hold as much as I can. I have known for years that there is hard work to be done. The 100lbs I need to lose in the end may be the easiest part.

* I desperately need to change. I need to get off my ass, move, think, play, relax, and love. Love my be the key to this whole crazy puzzle, loving myself, falling in love again with my husband, kissing & hugging the kids every chance I get, and reconnecting with friends who have been missing from my life while establishing new relationships.

* So much to do, so much sleep needed!

Saturday, May 3, 2008

post a day... oops!

* Ok... so I want to get the swing of this blogging thing by posting each day in May. The artsy-crafts Jenny B over at Allsorts got the ball rolling... just took me three days to get things moving. I think all day long of things to write, blood-letting of my brain, but never end up putting fingertip's to keys and getting the words out.


*It is getting late, tomorrow is a new day & there will be much more to post, but for now let me share my favorite new picture of JackJack. Can't you just eat those dirty little boy feet for dinner?

Friday, April 18, 2008

38 years

*So it is 1:11am, my 38th Birthday has now officially ended. What to do now. My husband had a tooth pulled this week, his 5th this year. I have a raging cold, with stuffed head, sore throat, and super clogged ears. Hubby forgot to wish me Happy Birthday until the day was half over. Jerk! :-) It always feels weird having to tell people that it is your birthday, as if they should see it on your face, feel the cake and party vibes radiating from your smile. I did however have many nice phone calls and a few sweet emails. My 3 year old daughter fought me saying it was HER Birthday today not mine. Silly one she is!

*We went to dinner, which was stupid given us both feeling like crap, but it was better then sitting at home. I was not 100% in the mood for a huge deal, so the quiet local restaurant was perfect. Now it is VERY late, I feel like dirt, and can't sleep. I want a do-over! I want a FUN day, not a sick day. Yes, I did get my toes done... an amazing shade from OPI called Ink. It is a shimmery dark blue. Very sexy in a "stay-at-home-mom meets goth" kinda way, but it makes me smile so there!

*I have added a counter to the blog. I am 730 days away from my 40th Birthday. I plan to wake up that morning in a hotel @ the Grand Canyon. It has been a dream of mine to see, feel, taste, and experience all that is Grand in this Canyon. The counter will remind me each day that I am one step closer to this amazing milestone in my life. I plan to ride a donkey, ride a rapid, and walk until my feet bleed. I need this goal... I need this place... it is my Atlantis, rising up like a miracle out of the ground. A place to feel so small, so completely engulfed in the splendor of nature.

*The goal has been set. All I need to go now is make the plan. There are over 100lbs that need to be lost, shape that needs to be gotten into, and all of this had a deadline of 730 days. My life is shifting, the motivation is there, all I need it the faith. Faith in myself, the process, and the goal. As a huge part of reaching this dream, I plan to blog just about everyday. At the end there will be an amazing memory of the work it took to get to the bottom of the Grand Canyon and back.

*Happy Day to me...

Friday, April 11, 2008

enough

*Do you ever get the feeling like you are sitting on the edge of change, on the verge of over coming? I had my Dr's appointment this past week and it is official, I have Type II Diabetes. She thinks with an huge change in the way I eat, exercising, and losing weight I may be able to avoid having insulin. I am relieved to know there is something wrong with me. I told my Husband that if the blood work came back normal, then I would be back to being a big cow not a woman with Diabetes. In my mind it is a huge difference, being forced to change everything for your health rather then wanting to lose weight to fit in smaller jeans.

*I am trying hard not to feel sorry for myself, as it will get my no place fast. The more I get upset the more i want to eat and make the circle repeat itself all over again. I have been reading the most amazing book Broken by William Moyers. So much of what he feels and describes as he is going though recovery from drugs and alcohol feel like me and food. I have always wondered if I need OA, and in reading the list of questions to see of you need help, I can answer yes to 95% of them.

*I need help. I am losing my mind in the house all day with the kids, the dogs, the husband. I need a space for me and maybe that is OA. Weight Watchers meetings never worked and I fail at doing this on my own. I need to do this for my kids. It feels like my life depends on me losing the weight, getting my sugars in control, and becoming more active. I have been given the gift of Diabetes, now the real work begins.

Monday, March 17, 2008

all fine...

*Well we made it... I did not think it was going to happen but we got here... no screaming babies on the plane, no dead workers at the rental car agency, all luggage accounted for!

*It is nice to be here, in the arms of family. My folks are so good with the kids, they love them so deeply. Today at the pool, my mother had more fun watching my 3 year old daughter get in and out of the "baby" pool like she owned the place. The baby was right there behind her, trying to do everything she did, yet ending up with a face full of water most times.

*I am eating good... for 1.5 days I think I have been sticking to the plan. I know I feel tons better then I did just a few weeks ago. My sugar is more stable and I feel like I have more energy. Now if I can just lose some of this evil belly fat we may be getting someplace. This is vacation... one can only hope to stay the same and not add to the problem.

*Ok, off to bed... on the pull-out couch mattress... on the floor.