Sunday, May 18, 2008

emotional mess

* I am an emotional mess tonight, after a weekend away from life, reliving the memories of High School. It was so amazing to get back in touch with old friends we have not seen in years. My best friend and I have been close these 20 years, in each other's wedding and she is the god-mother of my son JackJack. Unfortunately other dear friends have fallen by the weigh side. Now as I sit, back in my world, I see all that could have been, all that I missed out on, and all the blessing I have received.

* I went to an all girls boarding school in CT. It is a small, intimate, yet powerful place where girls gain a voice and become strong women. At the time I may not have felt this, but my four years there were the best of my life. It was academically challenging, spirituality enlightening, and emotional profound. In so many ways, I am who I am because we were given that voice, a chance to speak for ourselves. There is nothing like knowing you do not have to get made up everyday, dumb yourself down to impress some lame boy, or worry about parents 24/7. When it was all over, I almost failed out my senior years so I would not have to leave. I always thought I would go back and become a dorm-parent, but that was not the road my life took.

* Was it the undiagnosed ADHD or acne or the extra pounds that made me feel like I was different. It would not change a thing... going to boarding school 700 miles from home or public high school two blocks away, I would have had the same internal chaos. Hell, at the local school it would have been worse! Back my junior year, I think my depression really began. There was one night I remember being ready to throw in the towel. The view from my second floor window was high and the ground so hard below. With me, it was always more hurting myself not really ending it all. I never jumped, yet I have scares that will always remain.

* When I left, I went to a state college in the mid-west. There were more girls on my dorm floor then in my graduating class. There were 2x's as many girls in my dorm then in the whole school! It was overwhelming to said the least. The first week I went to the local Woolworth and spent like 60 bucks on make-up. How odd to have BOYS in your class! I had 4 roommates my freshman year, 1 prom queen and 2 home coming court members. I was lost in a maze of testosterone and perfume. The rest is history...

* Well this post is all over the map, but I am glad I went, but I am also glad to be home! More tomorrow...