Tuesday, May 20, 2008

no more milk

* Sorry I missed a post yesterday, I was not feeling well and went to bed early. The allergies I had over the weekend messed up my whole system, leaving me with a stuffy head and upset tummy. Anyway, the other big news from this weekend is I am no longer breastfeeding JackJack. We had been down to about once a day so being gone for a few days was the perfect time to wean.

* I feel off... I feel useless... I feel like a part of me has died. This is a good thing... Jack is 18 months old and ready for the cord to be cut between a boy and his boobs. Yet there was nothing to prepare me for the emotional turmoil and the physical ramification's of weaning. Beaker weaned herself as I had gotten pregnant with Jack and she was over it... not now. I think he would nurse as long as I let him.

*But it is time right? I need a break, he needs to grow up, and all will be well... right? I feel empty, like I still have so much to give yet nothing is needed. Am I right to do this? There is a HUGE part of me ready to "grow-up", take the next step in my motherhood. However hard this is, I know in my head this is right. But my heart is SCREAMING for me to go to him, to feed him, to hold him, to give of myself to him in a way only I can, his mother. The first night back he woke and cried out for what was only 15 minutes but seems like hours. I wanted to go to him, sooth him, take away the upset, but I did not. I cried, wept as he wept. I HATE THIS!!!! Why am I doing this? I feel full of milk for him that I know he does not need but I want to give it to him... give him my love.

* The two greatest things I have done in my life was give my children un-medicated natural births and breastfeed them exclusively for 6 months and for 10 plus months after. My children never had formula but for a bottle or two as newborns. They have never really had cow's milk and Jack will not ever try the stuff. This has been my gift to my kids and my joy. And it is now over. 99% I will not have any more babies, never again feeling kick inside me, feel their sweet just born skin, hold them close and give them their first hug. This weaning is the end of so many things not just the nursing bond I have shared with Jack.

*I have to pray I am doing the right thing for me, my son and the family as a whole. I have to pray I am honoring the love I have for JackJack and the need for my independence. I pray that God knows how blessed I have been being able to provide from my babies the milk only I can make. But it is over. I will be strong and weather the pains, emotional and physical, as the days turn into week and weeks into precious memories.