Wednesday, May 21, 2008

harder then I thought

* It was only one time... late at night... screaming tears... mommy is pain... son in pain... husband ready to get a hotel room. I folded... I gave in... I was a mom to a baby again. When it became apparent that JackJack was not going to fall back asleep after his 1am toss and turn, all hell broke loose. I was a mess! I was full and tired and needed to bond one last time. There were moments that I was strong, I gave him water and lots of hugs... even a few kisses. But nothing worked. Nothing calmed the beast.

* We talked, we fought, we heatedly discussed. Hubby was convinced he would fall back asleep. I was not so sure. Hubby went in for cuddles, for kisses, and nothing. A few moments of calm then more tears. I curled up in our bed, trying not to loses it worse then I already had. It was excruciating. A mother should not have to hear her child cry like that, to need her comfort and not get her. I have not cried like that for a long time. I was so hurt and so lost.

* I felt useless. 20 minutes of hell, the crying escalating in both rooms.

* Finally the damn broke. Hubby got back in bed, rolled over with the order to go feed the boy. He said I was going to blow the chance to wean JackJack and it was not 100% my problem. I did not care, I was free to mother my son. I could not get to his room fast enough, crying with relief. I picked up my 18 month old son, my baby boy. I held him and kissed his snotty face. He is my baby, my little baby. He needed to know I was still going to be there for him, to nurture him, to bond with him for life. He nursed with gusto, like a drunk who fell off the wagon. Tears rolled down my face as I stroked his little head.

* It was amazing. If that is the last time I feed him it will be a good end. It was poetry. How can I give up something so natural, so loving.? What am I doing, letting my little baby become a toddler? Feeding him felt like home, like I was born to be this boys mother. It felt so perfect feeding him, holding him close. The first peace I had felt since before my weekend away. My body felt less full, my mind clear. I was home.

* In the AM, hubby and I had it out. Or should I say he blew a ton of hot air, making the point over and over that this was not his deal anymore. Weaning is hard work... for 18 months we have had a bond that was unspeakable. Now it is over. JackJack is a big boy, he needed me once, to reconfirm I would always be there for him, fill his emotional love tank. He has not really asked again. He has acted like he wants to nurse, but we are weathering the storm.

* Together.