Sunday, May 4, 2008

Who do you think you are?

* I have no effing clue!

* I can tick off the obvious... wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend. I just turned 38, am dreadfully overweight, newly diagnose with Type II Diabetes, and 2 weeks away from my 20th HS reunion. Where did the last 20 years of my life go? How did I get to a place where I am looking back on that 18 year old girl... in the white dress holding a yellow rose as she received her HS diploma, full of hope, dreaming of the future... and wonder how did this happen?

* Somewhere on this crazy road I lost myself. There must have been a time when I felt whole, solid, human, yet for the life of me I can't find that place. I think and think, I therapy and therapy, I cry and cry but nothing... it feels like looking for something I may never find.

* The longing for self runs so deep it hurts. For as long as I can remember I have been in and out of depression, fighting the dark demons with sleep, sexual deprivation, procrastination, gluttony of all types, and most consistently with the magic pill Zoloft. These feelings starve my family and friends of the real me because I can not give them 100%.

* How do I let go and let "God"? How do I forgive myself so I can move past the feelings that have haunted me since I was a child? I need to get my life together. I need to start living, take back control of my actions. There has to be more to my life then feeling incomplete, the hole in my soul never really being full except with the blessed Zoloft. To be honest with myself I have put much of this looking on hold as much as I can. I have known for years that there is hard work to be done. The 100lbs I need to lose in the end may be the easiest part.

* I desperately need to change. I need to get off my ass, move, think, play, relax, and love. Love my be the key to this whole crazy puzzle, loving myself, falling in love again with my husband, kissing & hugging the kids every chance I get, and reconnecting with friends who have been missing from my life while establishing new relationships.

* So much to do, so much sleep needed!