Saturday, May 24, 2008

flounder is a fish

* Floundering... that is what life feels like. I am drifting along, just getting by, living a life that is less then I desire. My emotions are over the map this past week. The weaning has made my period super long and my patience super short. JackJack is less then thrilled to awaken in the middle of the night and not get his boobs. So I nurse him, just a few indulgent moments until he is ready to return to sleep. There will come a day when I make him mad cause I do not have "enough" milk for him, but that day is not today.

* I want time for me, selfish time to do nothing but watch tv, craft and be alone. I want to cry all the time for no real reason. It feels like I am staring at the computer hours and hours a day and getting nothing done. What do I hope to accomplish by reading blogs, bookmarking websites and drooling over craft projects I would love to do? Lost in the muck!

* Next week I am taking my depression and self loathing on the road to a new therapist. The woman who I have been seeing for the past 5 years is amazing. She has compassion and a genuine interest in my life. There have been times when life was totally out of hard that she was the only one there to support and encourage. Now is the time for me... I need to get my ass kicked. I need to go into a therapists office and start fresh, forget all the background crap, lay the scraps of my life on the table and quickly move to fix what is broken.

* One of the things I slack on is sleep. I am a night owl by birth so getting to bed before 1am these days is unthinkable. Starting next week I am going to make getting to be at a decent hour, like 10pm a priority. Maybe then I will feel less off.

* Fish out of water I tell you!


Anna Warren said...

Hey - thanks for the comment on! I totally feel your pain on the weaning issue. Well, not yet, but in another 6 months or so (or whenever I get up the guts to wean) I will be there, wailing in the bedroom while baby girl wails in the next room. Unless she does one of those self weaning things, which would be totally awesome, and so much easier on me. I really fall apart when I can't comfort my wee one.

You can totally do it, though. And if you need/want to nurse a couple of times a week, well I say go for it! It sounds like both of you want more, so if you'd rather do it gradually I don't see the harm. That's just one (uninformed) person's opinion though. You gotta' do what's right for you!