tired

* Hubby is still a few hours away. I just spent the last 2 hours picking up after my weekend with the kids. The laundry is running, the dishwasher empty, floors swept and general mess hidden. Now he will never know I made a skirt for Beaker this weekend which in turn made the living room a messy mess. Tomorrow I will even take the kids away for a few hours in the am so he can get some rest, vacation day after his vacation.

* Tomorrow, Memorial Day, is when we have typically celebrated our wedding anniversary. We were wed 4 years ago on the 29th, but seems easier to just celebrate on the Monday Holiday. I hated our wedding. So much about us a couple was unsettled a the time that we should never have been at the alter. Hubby was deep in the grasp of a nasty addiction that took him another 2 years to get over. I was 5 month pregnant with Beaker and in no mood for a huge party. But the whole thing was planned so why not? That night I was so tempted to walk out on, leave 125 friends and family to wonder why the bride had taken the shuttle back to the hotel before even the cake was cut. Hubby had a great deal of growing up to do, and out wedding was just another even where he let his addictions take over. I even asked his point blank and he said no, he was fine. I knew better.

* That night at the hotel, our first night as husband and wife, I was ready to rip up my dress and leave him. I cried and cried for what seemed like days. I did not want to go on our honeymoon cause i did not want to be alone with him. That first year was hell. I am not going to go into crazy details, but the fact he is not in jail and we are sill married is a mystery only God know the answer to. Our first anniversary was spent at my brothers wedding, where true to form, Hubby let his daemons take over. How embarrassing to have your husband make a scene, to make you cry, to disappear in the middle of a family wedding . I had to tell my father that I did not know where Hubby was and that I was leaving the party early. I was so ashamed. How I showed my face the next day is another mystery.

* The pain still runs deep. The feelings of betrayal, mistrust and disgust still surface. I have anger that I fear will never go away. But life goes on, the kids need to be love so I love him. I am tired but I keep on loving.