Friday, September 26, 2008

Like Christmas

So sometime in the next 24 hours, my lowly blog is gonna look so amazing it makes me want to cry. I want this to be a place I am proud of, that reflects me and what I am trying to create. My personal space to be able pour my heart out and feel at home.

I know this may sound really crazy, but having a pretty blog is very important to me. My real-life home has been under renovation since 2002. We have been moving slowly. This house always feels less like a home and more like a makeshift construction site. The kids rooms are finished, beautiful in fact. When I have a chance, I will post pictures of the sweet spaces in which our kids sleep.

There is a huge feeling of the unfinished in my life. This house, friendships, my weight, my marriage all feel like they are yield signs rather then green lights. Having this blog LOOK beautiful and FEEL completed is going to be a mentally huge! Beth has take two images we found, combined them, and I can't wait to see how the whole concept comes together. After this is finished, I am going to attach my crafting blog.


Ok off to make x-mas stocking and watch the gasbag debates.

Monday, September 22, 2008

"Not Me!" Monday

Welcome to the first "Not Me!" Monday Blog Carnival. I am so excited to take part of my weekly carnival I can't stand it. There are almost 200 blogs taking part, I am number 98! I will find a way to add the Mr. Linky Blog Roll and post it as soon as I can. So here we go...

Let me start by saying I most certainly did not spend the better past of the weekend thinking of something to post today. And after figuring out what to post I did not wait until 11pm to post. That would be so silly of me!

On Tuesday of last week, I was not the mother who let her kids run around the yard like crazy kids when they should have been getting ready for bed. Jack did not get his clean little body covered in paint and I would never have taken over 50 pictures of the mess. I had thought Jack could sleep in this outfit, but no such luck. I would never admit Jack had already taken one bath that day, now he just might need a second. So much for my good intentions.

Please know I would never have let them get that dirty then continue to play on the swing set and take more pictures. My kids we so not playing well after the sun went down. Also, we did not get eaten alive bugs to the point it really did get too late to be outside. Did I say 50 images, it was more like 150! Thank God for digital!

I would never admit that I love it when my kids get covered head to toe in life, the dirt, paint, snot that it the life of a small child. I never understood cleaning and re-cleaning a child when you could save yourself a load of work by simply letting them get totally filthy and hosing them down later.

A dirty child is a happy child!!!

Friday, September 19, 2008

long time..

no post...

I have had so much to say and can never find the mental time to get the words out. There have been a few good things going on I felt I would share so here goes...

1) Hubby is getting a job! He has been working with a few friends on his own doing renovations, tile, kitchen installations and general house repair. Well he has done a few things for this one man over the past year and has found a way turn it into a real job. This man is an eccentric artist son of a famous writer. He lives a mile away from his mother in a house specially renovated about 10 years ago just for him. Now there are so many projects that need to be done that Hubby created a job call "property manager" which will take a lot of time, emotions and pay damn good money! This will really change the way we have been living and take a huge burden off his shoulders.

2) I have spend the past few days cleaning and organizing in the kitchen. I will post pictures later, but 1/4 of the space is my sewing area where my sewing table, fabric, and projects are stored. This is the first time I have had this area all pulled together since we dedicated this space to sewing. I can now think when I sit at the desk and feel like I can get something done.

3) This week I joined a Block-Swap at our local quilt shop! Again, pictures tomorrow, but lets just say I am so excited!!! At the end I will have 72 blocks to create a quilt with or use how ever... but my plan right now is to create a cool quilt for donation.

4) Over the past few days I have been working with Beth @ Ruby & Roja Designs to create a new blog... a makeover of this dump stock blog design. I looked at thousands of stock images before I found 2 I loved. Beth ran with these and created something that left me speechless! There were a few details that needed to be addressed but the over all design is more then i could have asked for... my dream blog header in colors that make me swoon! By the end of next week I to have a fresh new blog, one I can look at and be inspired.

5) I have decided to take part in a weekly blog carnival hosted by the mommy @ My Charming Kids. She has written a few hilarious posts like this one about things she has NOT done! It seems it has taken off so she set of this carnival... could be super funny! As a mom of two small kids I know just how she feels. And at moment like these, there always seems to be a camera around. Check out he blog and her inspiring story.

So this is post has take HOURS to write... as I watch TV, talk to Hubby, and endlessly look/read blogs. Now it is bed time... sleep well all!

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

A few fun questions....

Things can get a bit heavy in blog-land, so Beth over @ I Should Be Folding Laundry set forth a few questions to lighten the mood a little. Here they are...

1. Do you pass gas in front of your spouse/partner?

2. Do you make your bed everyday?

3. Do you floss everyday?

4. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?

5. Do you eat when you are not hungry?

6. Is your car always messy?

7. How often do you clean your bathtub and shower?

Kinda fun right???? Maybe you guys can answer them in the comments... if there IS anyone out there! Helllloooo.......

1. Do you pass gas in front of your spouse/partner?


2. Do you make your bed everyday?


3. Do you floss everyday?


4. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?


5. Do you eat when you are not hungry?


6. Is your car always messy?


7. How often do you clean your bathtub and shower?


Hope to hear/read YOUR answers!

Sunday, September 7, 2008

An issue that needs resolving...

I once had a friend...

She was my first real mommy friend. We met when she was nearing the end of her pregnancy. At the time, we went to this local coffee shop each day for caffeine & blueberry muffins. Beaker was one of the star attractions. This friend, whom we shall call Lilly, always let her gaze linger longingly on the magic of my one year old bundle of energy. We started to exchange simple pleasantry's which grew into full fledged conversations. We left NY after Christmas to spend the New Year's Holiday with my folks in Michigan. All the time we were gone I kept thinking about the nice woman and her cute husband. They really did seem so excited to be welcoming a daughter into their family.

When we returned from our trip we did not see them at breakfast. It seems Lilly was late and did not give birth until the middle of January. She was always on my mind, a thread not followed, a story with out ending. It was such a bee in my brain I almost went to her husband's store to find out if she had had the baby, checking to see if all was perfect with their new addition.

With the weather cold and the sidewalks icy, Lilly did not walk to town much those early weeks. Then one day I did see them, yelled from my car a quick congratulations and a promise to talk soon over coffee and oatmeal. It felt wonderful to know these nice people seemed so happy to be parents. Over that spring we saw each other a few mornings a week. Then we started walk in the afternoons a few days a week, giving us a chance to really get to know one another. We bitched about mother's in laws, talking about renovations and nursing issues, and shared deep pains and profound joys. I began to love this woman as a sister, friend, confidant. Lilly was one of the first people I told I was pregnant with Jack, who traveled with me through my whole 9 months and who brought me the most beautiful flowers the day he was born.

With two kids life can spin out of control, tempers get short, life becomes disorganized. We still saw each other a few days a week at breakfast but it was not as restful as it had been when there was only one child to worry about. It was however a friendship that made me feel whole, made me feel like I had found one true friend who I was bonded with for years to come. Our kids would go to the same school, play on the same playground, and over time think of each other as family.

How then did it all fall apart? How did I drive her away? Why did she give up on me, my family? I trusted her to be there for me but when push came to shove she moved out of the way, letting me fall flat on my face... all alone. Some friend...

A tiny bit of back story... my husband comes from a house hold with addiction, finical issues, and the typical craziness that comes from living and working within a large multigenerational Italian family. He is quick to temper and can be verbally hurtful faster then his brain can process. Even he will tell you he is a much better father then husband. There were many a time I cried on Lilly's shoulder because of things he said or did, but that is what friends are for, support. We have suffered MAJOR money problems and almost had our house taken from us in foreclose. There have been broken bones by a crazed customer, trucks rolling down the driveway on their own, and more physical chaos in my home then I can fix. But helping friends is what friendship is all about, being there in good and bad.

Around November last year Lilly began to pull away, however I was so warped up in the planning for the kids birthday weekend that hardly noticed. Then I inadvertently stuck my foot in my mouth but I worked real hard to make nice nice. After the holidays Lilly was not around, busy getting her own life in order, joining a gym, losing 40 lbs and feeling stronger as a mother and wife. I was hurt because I felt totally left out and pushed aside but I tried to see where she was coming from... self growth and change. But in my heart I wished she could have included me more in her life. I know it sounds so very middle school, but that is how I fell.

While on vacation in Florida in March, she sent me an email, subject... Letter.

"Barb, I'm writing you this because it seems like we can never get together without distractions. I know email is sorry, I hope I come across as intended.

You probably can feel that I've pulled back from our friendship lately. I'm sorry I haven't communicated better, there's really no excuse for not talking with you sooner...I guess I just didn't know how.

You are the best friend I have had since high school, and I love you dearly. And that's why it's so hard sit by and ignore things that bother me. So being honest:

I think your husband treats you horribly. And he's not being a good father if he's treating the mother of his kids the way he treats you. You've given up your power, your money and your self esteem to someone who does not deserve you. I also know you feel totally overwhelmed by your house, the kids, Husband, everything. To me it seems like you are drowning...and I don't know what to do.

It seems like there is one thing after another that keeps you from "getting it together" in the way that you want.....and it's so painful to hear and watch.

Please, I am not judging you. I know this is your life. But you don't seem happy......and I'm having a hard time being around it all.

I don't want us to stop being friends..... I feel like I have made some serious positive changes lately, and it's hard, but possible. I truly want you to be happy in all aspects of your life. You are such a generous, giving, thoughtful friend. I think you love everyone a hell of a lot more than you love yourself. YOU deserve your own attention before anyone else does.

I hope you are not angry with my honesty......I do miss you!


WOW.... I was so freaked out I could not breath, sucker punched that my own best friend could not deal with me. My first husband dumped me cause I was not good enough and now the woman who I thought would be a part of my life forever is passing judgment on me even if she claims she is not. WOW! I tell you I cried like a baby. You can read back here, here and here to see that this was not a great time for me. I needed her friendship more then she could have ever known.

Alone... I felt and FEEL so alone. I hurt so deep, even after all these months. I saw her on a walk with her now 2.5 year old daughter and felt a profound sadness at having missed out on her growing up. She used to love me, run to me with huge hugs reserved only for family. Now I don't even think she would know me. She would get so excited when she saw my car, now I doubt she would even care if it was parked in front of her house. DAMN DAMN DAMN!!!

We have gotten together a hand full of time but they have been strained at best, the elephant in the room making us both very uncomfortable. I sent her an email and a Facebook post the other day and she has yet to reply. Nice feeling... snubbed.

So here is what I want... CLOSURE. I know she loves/loved me and only wrote her letter out worry and fear for my mental health and her own need for self-protection. But damn it still hurts no matter how much love was behind her words. I need to write her back and tell her how I feel, how she made me feel. I am scared to make her hurt the same way she made me hurt, yet I really don't care. I want... more like NEED... to get this out of my mind and off my heart so I can move on... with or with out my friend.

What do I say... How do I say it... Will she even care... Chances I need to take for my own self protection.

Any advices short of burning my house down or divorcing my husband (just joking) would be very helpful. Thank you in advance.... :-)

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

head in my you-know-what

Another day and too much to do... cleaning, washing, loading, putting away. I was blessed to have yesterday free of kids as well as today, however the motivation I had when I woke up is all but depleted. I just want to sink into bed and cry. I want sleep, put unadulterated afternoon-nap sleep. While I have done nothing to day to earn it, I may just give in to the sweet whispers of the bed... calling out for my body's return.

Today was Beaker's first day at Pre-K and Jack's second full day at the sitters. The excitement I felt when I dropped them both at the sitters yesterday was nothing compared to seeing my baby girl in her new classroom. I know she will learn so much in the coming weeks. Her teacher seems amazingly nice and she will have at least one friend in her class. I have know for some time that she has been under stimulated, capable of learning like a sponge, so this is going to be such a blessing. Since having her ear tubes put in back in May, Beaker's speech has grown like I never expected, her clarity getting better by the day. Her speech therapy will begin again tomorrow, so who knows what we can expect... my baby can talk so ANYONE can understand her!

But the quiet and the silence are a drug. I simply want to listen to the cars driving by the house and enjoy the small breeze. Not such a good thing when your husband is quick to point out the price tag of this peace. I need to get my head out of the dark place it is hiding, go get something to eat, and get to work. Pride is something I long for, from my husband as well as from myself.

So now I get off my butt and get moving...

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

the time is now

So I have taken a few months off from my blog to rethink why I began this in quest in the first place, why my sanity would matter to anyone other then my own twisted self.

I have now become a hoarder of blogs... mommy blogs, news blogs, hundreds of sewing & craft blogs, and a few dozen blogs about celebrity gossip. I am a user of an internet web browser called Flock which allows me to bookmark and subscribe to as many blogs as I can find... link away baby!

It is amazing reading about what people find interesting, relevant, and meaning full to write about. People share their pain and their fears... their imagination and their creations... their friends and their family. But what all the hundreds of blogs I have read have in common is honesty. Each have a unique purpose and vision to express the writer's need to share what is on the writer's heart and mind. You can't not but respect a blogger as they let their life unfold before us in each post.

But where does that leave me... the hapless blogger who was too worried about links and grammar to see what a powerful tool this new media could be for me as I struggle to find my own corner of the web. There is so much I want to say, to share, to create, but without the over thinking perfectionism.

One of the blogs I have been reading is finslippy. Yesterday she had me in tears with the closing line of her post. I urge you to check out her post entitled "a few words about writing". I will leave you with her words...

"Don't sit and agonize over how you're not good enough. Don't leave yourself with a pile of dead clay. Start and keep going; if you stop, start again, and keep going."