Saturday, March 15, 2008

the knot on the back of my head

*Today was one of the hardest days of my life. The man I call my husband raged all day, at everything and everyone. It seems that every few months he has a day or three where he falls off the deep end, leaving only an angry hurtful shell of a man behind. This is a man I don't know, a man I don't want to know. A man who with every breath he takes and every word out of his ugly mouth cuts me like a hot sword. I can't say or do anything to end this anger yet I become it's target, it's destination. Today's big topic was his doubt that I can lose the weight I need and get my diet under control to stave off serious health issues looming in the not so distant future. He fears I will dead in less then two years because I am incapable of getting my s**t together and taking control of my health.

*The biggest challenge I have to face is the fact I am either in the pre-stages of Type II Diabetes or have a nice little case of it already wreaking havoc on my system. When I was in the final weeks of my second pregnancy with my son, I was given the dreaded diagnosis of Gestational Diabetes. This meant blood testing, huge dietary changes and in the end, nightly shots of insulin. When JJ was born, his blood levels were low. In the 18 hours after his birth, they tested him with painful heel pricks to make sure he was gaining blood sugar. As is with newborns and boobs, it took a few days to get in the groove of the whole feeding thing, so this first night we surrendered (not playing hero were hubby's words) and give him formula so he woudl not end up int the NICU. But the next morning JJ was right on track and my levels seemed to get back to normal as well.

*I never lost the baby weight. I am the heaviest I have ever been, just shy of 290. I am horrified to even admit that to myself let alone hubby. I look at the woman on the weight-loss reality shows and feel so delusional... i don't look like THEY do... I carry my weight better... My arms are not as BIG as theirs. PLEASE! I had a huge V-8 moment a few weeks ago when I realized that yes Virginia you are fat, you are JUST like those TV women who need a camp or a club to kick their asses into losing big, I too need to get myself motivated to drop weight.

*My whole life i have identified myself as an outsider, as not the same. I have always been the heavy pimple face girl who people like but never truly fit in.. I don't know what it would be/could be like to walk into any store in the mall and shop, to look in the mirror and not hate the image i see. But now the vanity is stripped away and this is a life changing moment.

*For my to amazing kids I need to get this under control fast. I need to prove the mean nasty troll that I can change, that i do love life and want to be healthy for our kids and our marriage. Hubby almost walked out today as a result of his anger and anxiety about life, my health, my weight, my survival.

*Blah Blah Blah... We all make excuse... but those are a luxury I can't afford. I can beat this, I can and WILL turn this around...

**I can lose 100lbs.

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