Thursday, October 16, 2008

Finally I make my reply... for closure.

A while back I blogged about my dear friend Lilly and how back in March she sent me an email explaining why she had pulled away from our friendship. I was so deeply hurt have been eaten alive even since. Today I saw her walking in town and the ache in my heart was too much. I miss my friend... I want her back but she needs to love me for me, messy house, crazy kids, nutty husband and all. I miss the small amount of community I was building and the people in that community who decided they needed a time out.

We shall see how my words are received. I have also shared with her this blog. Lilly is the first real life person I have shared my blog with. I wanted her to read her my words as I am sure the post about her was more honest in someways then the email.

Happy reading... any comments would be appreciated.



I am now replying to your "letter" from back in March... via email since obviously it is impossible for us to find any time at all to spend together. And as you yourself said, I know this is impersonal and I do hope it comes across as intended.

I have thought of your letter and your words often over the past 6 months. I have gone through so many emotions from sadness to anger to indifference to just plain frustration. You did pull back for our friendship, pushing me so far away I am not sure where I stand anymore. You did not communicate, you said you loved me, that I was your best friend, so why not be there for me? Why push and pull our relationship into nothingness?

I know my husband is not perfect. Yes, he can be less then loving towards me and that does not set a good example for our kids. I will not make excuses for him or his behavior as I am not sure it would even make a difference anymore. But honestly, even you have had moments with your husband that you are not proud of, moments that both of you regret and try not to have happen again. But I would never have "pulled back" from our friendship when you might have needed me the most. I would have been there for you not making myself unavailable. If I had thought you were "drowning" in your life, I would have tried to throw you a life-line, not turned my back as you drifted out to sea.

Over my life I have never really felt powerful, never had a positive self esteem. There have been times I have felt better about myself and others when I have felt in the pits. My husband may feed into my self-doubt and worthlessness, but I don't need his help to feel crappy about my existence. Trust me, I can do that very well all on my own!

There have been times, many times I was there for you, listening to your in-law issues, being there for nursing and new mother questions, helping any way I could to be a good friend, a best friend. Yes, my life has been a crazy mess, and it may have been "painful" to hear and watch, but instead of telling me how you felt, it seems you made a half hearted attempt to be supportive... then ran as soon as you had the chance. There has only really been one other time in my life I have felt so left, so alone and that relationship ended in divorce.

I know there are times I do not seem happy, and I am sorry you felt it was too much for you. You can say you do not judge me but that is what you did, judged my life and decided you could no longer deal. You can say you did not want us to stop being friends, but that is what happened. We lost our friendship, and I am so deeply heartbroken.

You know what really hurt, where I really felt your "pulling back"... when you started to exercise and went on Weight Watchers. I am not sure I have said how PROUD I am of your new life, your weight loss and fulfilling your dream of owning your own horse. But please know the high school girl in me felt so left out. I would have loved to have worked out with you, to have counted points with you, to have had a friend there to travel that road. But you made the choice to pull away, and as much as I respect your need for self preservation, it still hurt.

I know I do not have as much love for myself as I do for others. There is something hardwired in me to be there for others before I am there for myself. This does lend itself to being taken advantage of, by strangers and loved ones alike. This is my fatal flaw, being nicer to others then to myself. I have been trying to find myself, trying to find ways to give my life meaning beyond my home and family.

I had been building friendships, building adult relationships that I had hoped would become extended family. I long for routine, for community, for longevity. I had hoped to be able to look back and have memories built on a shared history, Halloween dinners, future PTA meetings, scrapbooks and birthday parties. Silly as it may seem, this is what was and IS important me, finding life outside myself.

You said at the end of the "letter" you did not me to be angry with your honesty. Please know I am not angry in a mad way, however I am angry in a sad way. I am sad that as much as you said you valued our friendship and that you said missed me, you have been unable to make the time to be my friend. I have reached out to you and always you have something else seemingly more important to tend to, and we never have gotten back to where were, to creating a stronger deeper friendship built on honesty and trust. That is way I find myself angry, angry and hurt by the what could have been's.

Lilly, I saw you as a sister, as the first adult true friend I had ever had... yes my second best friend since Erin in High School. I trusted you, looked up to you, felt we had the beginnings of a real sisterhood. Even all these months later I really don't understand how yet again I could have been let something so important get so messed up, so miss place.

I know you did not want us to stop being friends, but that seems to be what happened. It makes me want to cry as I think back... on how this all fell apart. Today I saw you crossing the street but I saw you too late to wave, and am not sure you even saw me . It made me so sad that I felt tonight was the night I needed to get some resolution, some closure. We have missed out on so much over the past year, it saddens me to think about how big our kids have gotten and how much we have both missed out on.

Where do we go from here?



maria said...

This must have been so hard to write, and I'm so very glad you did. I hope you're feeling a little better.