not perfect but....

* So I missed a few days at the start, one in the middle, and back-posted this past week, but it was an interesting adventure. I now see what an important part blogging can have in my life. I think all day long about what to blog, yet not everything gets on the page. I need a notebook to remember all the crazy things that run in my head and need to get out.

* The only draw back to the "Post a Day in May" contest is I felt like I was posting to an audience, trying to prove something as a new blogger. Right now only you know who I am, that I blog. Not even my Hubby has see the blog. He knows I write not what I have said. None of my friends or family have any idea, and I have no idea if any of my real life friends blog.

*But I see now this has to be just for me, my words, my thoughts, my blog. Being creative is something I crave. There is an inner drive in me to make things, fix things, and add beauty to my life. If I can see things on a site like etsy all the better,right now it is like breathing, create to live. To this end, I am going to have this blog all for me, the craziness that is my life and family. I struggle, I hurt, I grow.

* I am going to start a second blog to focus on the crafting side of my life, the artist. I am so excited to be working with Beth @ Be Design on brighting up this joint and launching the crafting blog/etsy store. Their work is amazing and their prices seem as reasonable as the next for the personal service you receive. I have been reading Beth's blog for a few months now and am taken by her stills as a blogger. She writes with honesty, humor, and heart, she lays it all on the line. What you see with Beth is what you get, love her... worts and all.

* Looking forward, I am trying to figure out what I want this blog to become. There are things in my life I am working though that can find an outlet on this blog, but I would also like to share my thoughts on all things mom, gear, books, etc. It may take a few weeks to find the rhythm and soul of my blog, but I am excited to create a place to express my self.

* Thank you to all the bloggers who wrote each day, sharing their families, their feeling, and their crafts. And to Jenny, thank you for your beautiful blog and for inspiring us to get on and post.

Links...

5 Craft Blogs that blow my mind!

1) Craft magazine: Their blog travels the web and brings together the crafting highlights from across the blogisphere. They also publish a quarterly magazine that is amazing.

2) Design*Sponge: This site features before and afters, DIY projects, podcasts, and so much more. You can get lost in their world of modern design.

3) Marmadaisy- I like to make stuff: This is a new blog I found this week. She had almost 30 detailed "Fat Quarter Friday" tutorials. Each gives you step by step instructions on how to complete each project with pictures to boot. I am itching try her ironing board cover.

4) Ikea Hacker: WOW! People take ordinary objects from Ikea and turn them into extraordinary items! it amazes me how after you read a few posts you start to look as the objects in your own home with a new eye.

5) Tip Junkie: Another website proves there are too few hours in the day!

Thursday's Post

Four years ago today....

Wordless Wednesday!

Tuesday's Post

* Sorry for back tracking... this week has been a bit of a mess so far.

* Don't hate me because I am slow to post!

Monday's missing post

* I passed out. NO really, I passed out... from the exhaustion of a weekend with out the Hubby. He was so tired Monday morning after he got home at 2am that I let him sleep in for a few hours. Nice wife I am! When he came home the house was all picked up, dishes running and you would never have known it was a HUGE mess just a few hours before.

* We ended up having people over for an impromptu BBQ. It was fun cause they brought all the food and I just had to shove chips in my mouth and keep the kids from hurting themselves. There was no clean up since we used paper plates. The perfect party... I do nothing and we eat for free!

* We took the kids in for bath and bed. Beaker wanted to watch TV so we cuddled in my bed after Jack was asleep. Hubby came up after Diego was over, put little miss in her bed, and I guess I just passed out. I woke at 10:30 to uses the potty, get out of my clothes, and drink some water.

* Guess I needed the sleep! Sorry I did not post but I assed out!

tired

* Hubby is still a few hours away. I just spent the last 2 hours picking up after my weekend with the kids. The laundry is running, the dishwasher empty, floors swept and general mess hidden. Now he will never know I made a skirt for Beaker this weekend which in turn made the living room a messy mess. Tomorrow I will even take the kids away for a few hours in the am so he can get some rest, vacation day after his vacation.

* Tomorrow, Memorial Day, is when we have typically celebrated our wedding anniversary. We were wed 4 years ago on the 29th, but seems easier to just celebrate on the Monday Holiday. I hated our wedding. So much about us a couple was unsettled a the time that we should never have been at the alter. Hubby was deep in the grasp of a nasty addiction that took him another 2 years to get over. I was 5 month pregnant with Beaker and in no mood for a huge party. But the whole thing was planned so why not? That night I was so tempted to walk out on, leave 125 friends and family to wonder why the bride had taken the shuttle back to the hotel before even the cake was cut. Hubby had a great deal of growing up to do, and out wedding was just another even where he let his addictions take over. I even asked his point blank and he said no, he was fine. I knew better.

* That night at the hotel, our first night as husband and wife, I was ready to rip up my dress and leave him. I cried and cried for what seemed like days. I did not want to go on our honeymoon cause i did not want to be alone with him. That first year was hell. I am not going to go into crazy details, but the fact he is not in jail and we are sill married is a mystery only God know the answer to. Our first anniversary was spent at my brothers wedding, where true to form, Hubby let his daemons take over. How embarrassing to have your husband make a scene, to make you cry, to disappear in the middle of a family wedding . I had to tell my father that I did not know where Hubby was and that I was leaving the party early. I was so ashamed. How I showed my face the next day is another mystery.

* The pain still runs deep. The feelings of betrayal, mistrust and disgust still surface. I have anger that I fear will never go away. But life goes on, the kids need to be love so I love him. I am tired but I keep on loving.

flounder is a fish

* Floundering... that is what life feels like. I am drifting along, just getting by, living a life that is less then I desire. My emotions are over the map this past week. The weaning has made my period super long and my patience super short. JackJack is less then thrilled to awaken in the middle of the night and not get his boobs. So I nurse him, just a few indulgent moments until he is ready to return to sleep. There will come a day when I make him mad cause I do not have "enough" milk for him, but that day is not today.

* I want time for me, selfish time to do nothing but watch tv, craft and be alone. I want to cry all the time for no real reason. It feels like I am staring at the computer hours and hours a day and getting nothing done. What do I hope to accomplish by reading blogs, bookmarking websites and drooling over craft projects I would love to do? Lost in the muck!

* Next week I am taking my depression and self loathing on the road to a new therapist. The woman who I have been seeing for the past 5 years is amazing. She has compassion and a genuine interest in my life. There have been times when life was totally out of hard that she was the only one there to support and encourage. Now is the time for me... I need to get my ass kicked. I need to go into a therapists office and start fresh, forget all the background crap, lay the scraps of my life on the table and quickly move to fix what is broken.

* One of the things I slack on is sleep. I am a night owl by birth so getting to bed before 1am these days is unthinkable. Starting next week I am going to make getting to be at a decent hour, like 10pm a priority. Maybe then I will feel less off.

* Fish out of water I tell you!

New links... New to me this week!

* 5 new sites/blogs I found this week... ENJOY!

1) Heard on TV: They list songs for TV shows like CSI, Ugly Betty and Lost. The best is they link you to iTunes and other websites where you can order the songs. I found this when I was looking for a song I heard on Without a Trace.

2) Monday's a Bitch: A fun meme site to spark your creativity first thing Monday AM.

3) The Food Group- one-a-day photoshare: I found this on a sewing blog called Chickpea Sewing Studio. This seems like it could be fun, taking a picture of food and posting it daily on Flickr.

4) BeDesign: Beth of I Should Be Folding Laundry and Christy of Real Life Adventures started an amazing new blog design company called BeDesign. When I get some extra $$$ I can't wait to get my "blog done".

5) Here be Old Things: Just found this tonight... can't wait to explore!

* Have a good weekend!

weekend

* Last weekend was mine, this weekend is HIS!

* Hubby and a dozen friends are going to some dirt track in upstate NY for a manly bonding weekend. ATV's and dirt bikes... camping... beer... HAVE FUN! There is nothing I would rather do LESS then go with 2 kids for a weekend of redneck fun.

* I am totally looking forward to 36 hours in the house alone. Do all wives get more done with their husband out of town? Should make for fun and crafts with the kids. I am looking to make something for the dad's for Father's Day. With no Hubby we can craft with out being spied on... so it can be a surprise.

* I am off to bed, will post links tomorrow.

harder then I thought

* It was only one time... late at night... screaming tears... mommy is pain... son in pain... husband ready to get a hotel room. I folded... I gave in... I was a mom to a baby again. When it became apparent that JackJack was not going to fall back asleep after his 1am toss and turn, all hell broke loose. I was a mess! I was full and tired and needed to bond one last time. There were moments that I was strong, I gave him water and lots of hugs... even a few kisses. But nothing worked. Nothing calmed the beast.

* We talked, we fought, we heatedly discussed. Hubby was convinced he would fall back asleep. I was not so sure. Hubby went in for cuddles, for kisses, and nothing. A few moments of calm then more tears. I curled up in our bed, trying not to loses it worse then I already had. It was excruciating. A mother should not have to hear her child cry like that, to need her comfort and not get her. I have not cried like that for a long time. I was so hurt and so lost.

* I felt useless. 20 minutes of hell, the crying escalating in both rooms.

* Finally the damn broke. Hubby got back in bed, rolled over with the order to go feed the boy. He said I was going to blow the chance to wean JackJack and it was not 100% my problem. I did not care, I was free to mother my son. I could not get to his room fast enough, crying with relief. I picked up my 18 month old son, my baby boy. I held him and kissed his snotty face. He is my baby, my little baby. He needed to know I was still going to be there for him, to nurture him, to bond with him for life. He nursed with gusto, like a drunk who fell off the wagon. Tears rolled down my face as I stroked his little head.

* It was amazing. If that is the last time I feed him it will be a good end. It was poetry. How can I give up something so natural, so loving.? What am I doing, letting my little baby become a toddler? Feeding him felt like home, like I was born to be this boys mother. It felt so perfect feeding him, holding him close. The first peace I had felt since before my weekend away. My body felt less full, my mind clear. I was home.

* In the AM, hubby and I had it out. Or should I say he blew a ton of hot air, making the point over and over that this was not his deal anymore. Weaning is hard work... for 18 months we have had a bond that was unspeakable. Now it is over. JackJack is a big boy, he needed me once, to reconfirm I would always be there for him, fill his emotional love tank. He has not really asked again. He has acted like he wants to nurse, but we are weathering the storm.

* Together.

no more milk

* Sorry I missed a post yesterday, I was not feeling well and went to bed early. The allergies I had over the weekend messed up my whole system, leaving me with a stuffy head and upset tummy. Anyway, the other big news from this weekend is I am no longer breastfeeding JackJack. We had been down to about once a day so being gone for a few days was the perfect time to wean.

* I feel off... I feel useless... I feel like a part of me has died. This is a good thing... Jack is 18 months old and ready for the cord to be cut between a boy and his boobs. Yet there was nothing to prepare me for the emotional turmoil and the physical ramification's of weaning. Beaker weaned herself as I had gotten pregnant with Jack and she was over it... not now. I think he would nurse as long as I let him.

*But it is time right? I need a break, he needs to grow up, and all will be well... right? I feel empty, like I still have so much to give yet nothing is needed. Am I right to do this? There is a HUGE part of me ready to "grow-up", take the next step in my motherhood. However hard this is, I know in my head this is right. But my heart is SCREAMING for me to go to him, to feed him, to hold him, to give of myself to him in a way only I can, his mother. The first night back he woke and cried out for what was only 15 minutes but seems like hours. I wanted to go to him, sooth him, take away the upset, but I did not. I cried, wept as he wept. I HATE THIS!!!! Why am I doing this? I feel full of milk for him that I know he does not need but I want to give it to him... give him my love.

* The two greatest things I have done in my life was give my children un-medicated natural births and breastfeed them exclusively for 6 months and for 10 plus months after. My children never had formula but for a bottle or two as newborns. They have never really had cow's milk and Jack will not ever try the stuff. This has been my gift to my kids and my joy. And it is now over. 99% I will not have any more babies, never again feeling kick inside me, feel their sweet just born skin, hold them close and give them their first hug. This weaning is the end of so many things not just the nursing bond I have shared with Jack.

*I have to pray I am doing the right thing for me, my son and the family as a whole. I have to pray I am honoring the love I have for JackJack and the need for my independence. I pray that God knows how blessed I have been being able to provide from my babies the milk only I can make. But it is over. I will be strong and weather the pains, emotional and physical, as the days turn into week and weeks into precious memories.

emotional mess

* I am an emotional mess tonight, after a weekend away from life, reliving the memories of High School. It was so amazing to get back in touch with old friends we have not seen in years. My best friend and I have been close these 20 years, in each other's wedding and she is the god-mother of my son JackJack. Unfortunately other dear friends have fallen by the weigh side. Now as I sit, back in my world, I see all that could have been, all that I missed out on, and all the blessing I have received.

* I went to an all girls boarding school in CT. It is a small, intimate, yet powerful place where girls gain a voice and become strong women. At the time I may not have felt this, but my four years there were the best of my life. It was academically challenging, spirituality enlightening, and emotional profound. In so many ways, I am who I am because we were given that voice, a chance to speak for ourselves. There is nothing like knowing you do not have to get made up everyday, dumb yourself down to impress some lame boy, or worry about parents 24/7. When it was all over, I almost failed out my senior years so I would not have to leave. I always thought I would go back and become a dorm-parent, but that was not the road my life took.

* Was it the undiagnosed ADHD or acne or the extra pounds that made me feel like I was different. It would not change a thing... going to boarding school 700 miles from home or public high school two blocks away, I would have had the same internal chaos. Hell, at the local school it would have been worse! Back my junior year, I think my depression really began. There was one night I remember being ready to throw in the towel. The view from my second floor window was high and the ground so hard below. With me, it was always more hurting myself not really ending it all. I never jumped, yet I have scares that will always remain.

* When I left, I went to a state college in the mid-west. There were more girls on my dorm floor then in my graduating class. There were 2x's as many girls in my dorm then in the whole school! It was overwhelming to said the least. The first week I went to the local Woolworth and spent like 60 bucks on make-up. How odd to have BOYS in your class! I had 4 roommates my freshman year, 1 prom queen and 2 home coming court members. I was lost in a maze of testosterone and perfume. The rest is history...

* Well this post is all over the map, but I am glad I went, but I am also glad to be home! More tomorrow...

HS Reunion

* Ok so it is after midnight, but just by a tiny bit. I am at my 20th High School this weekend. I am staying at my best friend's house. It is great to be back... I think everyone looks amazing. How is it that we all look the same? It feels like just yesterday we were all together, not 20 years ago. Most of us have kids, husbands, some wives (we went to an all girls school), yet we all seem to still fit together.

* Tonight there were like 10 of us here, but tomorrow there should be 2x's that by lunch. The odd thing is that I am ALONE! No kids, no husband, just me! I can sleep in tomorrow if I want, no one to feed or change or dress. My stomach is in knots. Hubby is bring the kids to lunch tomorrow and I my be too excited to speak. They will stay and then I guess go home and I will go back Sunday.

* For now I need sleep.

lame

nothing to say

too much to say

going to bed

so brave!

* My Beaker is my hero! She was so brave today... almost no tears. By the end of the day she was her old self, but better. Hubby and I are CONVINCED she can hear better. If I speak soft and am not facing her, she turns around or answers. We feel this is something she would not have been able to just a few hours before. We go to the Dr next week for a follow up hearing test.

* What a burden off our shoulders. Now we can focus on bigger and better things... laundry, dishes, the mess I made in the living room tonight. Also, I have my 20th HS Reunion this weekend. Should be VERY interesting.

* More later...

ear tubes

* At 8:45am they plan to take Beaker into the OR to give her the PE Tubes. I am so happy she is going to be able to hear better and in turn talk better, but damn I am nervous. My sweet pain-in-the-ass baby girl is going to be out of my control and it scares me. I have faith she will be better then new when this is over, but there always a mother's over-protectiveness...

* Have any of your kids had this done? What should I expect? Did it make a huge difference? Was keeping the water out a hassle in the summer? Please give me a little motherly advice.... THANK IN ADVANCE!!!

oh here is something funny

* So this week we are broke, not an extra dime until Hubby gets paid. I have a standing shrink appointment Tuesdays @ 11am. It is $85 a "conversation" and right now we just don't have it. The plan was to call her and she what she wanted to do, pay for 2 next week or pass on tomorrow.

* Well before I could call, I got a voice mail from the therapist saying she had a medical issue and would not be able to keep our appointment. I called back laughing! Now should she pay ME $85 for the missed appointment? hehehhe

not much...

... to report. right now i need sleep, BADLY! enjoy the pictures and i will make two posts tomorrow.



Beaker and JackJack on Mother's Day.

What I got for Mother's Day....

Why I love being a MOM...

Beaker is getting so old!
She is 3.5 years and as stubborn as they come. She is my world! Her mind moves almost as fast as my computer. She is creative, energetic, and so dearly loving. We are so excited for her to get her tubes on Wednesday. She will have a new life.



JackJack after 2 egg rolls for dinner. He is 17.5 months and the light of my heart. Jack is all boy! He loves to laugh, make funny faces, and tell you he is #1.

Wishing you all a VERY Happy Mother's Day!

guilty

* 5 Guilty Pleasure Gossip links... ENJOY!

1) TMZ
2) Dlisted
3) X17 Online
5) Celebrity Baby Blog
6) I am Not Obsessed- Celebrity Denial

* PS: Please share your 5 favorite Guilty Pleasure links... Where do you surf when you should be doing something else? Next week CRAFTS!

projects

* Today was an amazingly fulfilling day. JackJack and I dropped Beaker off at the sitters then went shopping. Well it was shopping under the guise of our weekly running around. We went to the discount store, the WalMart, then off to the fabric store. It was a passable weather day so we parked at the farthest end of the shopping plaza and walked. Jack was so super cute.... he kept smiling and making the best faces. At 17 months, he is really getting his own personality, his own way of doing things, likes, dislikes. He is a love-bug, there is not a moment that goes by when I am with him that my heart is not full of joy. He is my dream come true.

* One of the things I crave is to create. I NEED to carve out time in my life to be artistic. In the future, I want to find a way to craft as a business, selling things that make me happy to make. I read like 50 blogs each day (ok I skim them with an RSS reader but still) to get inspiration. My mind explodes with project I want to try. Maybe tomorrow I will share a few of my favorite links, make it Favorite Friday... not bad if I do say so myself.

* Recently I have seen a load of cool re-do project, the trash to treasure type. I have friends looking on garbage day for small lost items that need love, a coat of stain, and a new life. I have been working on an old fashion luggage rack. It is wood and came with nasty broken straps. I did not strip the wood but sanded it to baby butt smooth. I stained it and then about 6 layers wipe on polyurethane followed by a thin application of finishing wax. Tomorrow everything will be done setting up so I can reassemble the rack with the new straps that I sowed. I can't wait to see it finished and will port images. This piece will be gifted to my Aunt Bliss who is always having company and would respect the time put into the restoration.

* At the fabric store, I found the perfect fabric to back the cheap Dora quilt we got Beaker for Christmas. It is a soft baby pink minky that washed up even softer then when I found it in the store. I have wanted to do this for her since we got the quilt but never made the time. It feels so amazing to have started something and actually finish. The quilt looks and feels like it will be the perfect addition to her room.

* I need this, to craft, to make things, beautiful things. I want to sell things, make other people happy, share my vision. I am not sure what form this will take, but I know I will suffocate and die if I can't make things. I have even set up an Etsy store but nothing is in it yet.... soon.

change is good

* Today I did the unthinkable.... I walked for 30 minutes on our treadmill. We bought the thing from a good friend back in the fall. I have used it once... one single time! Other then that it sits in the living room out of the way yet a constant reminder of the exercise I SHOULD be getting. From all I have read, one of the simple things I can do for my diabetes and my depression is get regular exercise. Today, we begin!

* I have so many crazy fears, silly fears that stop me form creating the life I desire and deserve. I have this huge dread of my husband or any of his friends coming into the house, seeing me on the mill, and falling down laughing. I know, I know... silly of me but I can't help it! I would be so heart broken if my husband were to make a joke of my huge all sweating as I do my daily lifesaving routine. When you watch all the shows, the people who lose all the weight did not compromise about their exercise and the priority it was in their lives. They woke at 5am to go the gym or they did their workouts after their day was over. I want, NEED that to be me.

* Like posting a day... day one down 29 more to go!

good news

* Today was BIG! We took Beaker to the ENT for a hearing test. She has been slow to talk and her quality of speech is very muddled. The school system granted us two 1/2 visits from a therapist each week. It seems to have helped some what, but she has not advanced as quickly as we hoped. So on advice from the school, the therapist, and our daycare provider, we finally made an appointment for a complete hearing exam.

* The results were huge... it seems Beakers ears are full of fluid. Her left ear is much worse then her right. The tester said Beaker hears as if she is underwater. No wonder her words are muddy and her tone is always loud. She has no idea what an indoor voice is... god help us! The answer seems to be tubes, Pressure Equalizer Tubes, that will help drain the fluid and make it so she can HEAR 100%. What a miracle this could be... to be able to understand our daughter and have her understand us? I almost cried in the Dr's office.

* Next Wednesday she will go to the hospital in am and they tell us she should be bouncing around the house that very afternoon. I don't think she will miss a day of daycare. There maybe a little discomfort at the start, but they tell us it is minor. Soon we will have our daughter back! WOOHOO!!!

under the wire!

*so how was your day? over all my day was not too bad. here are a few images from our fun afternoon of art! we have been passing around the "spring sick" for about 2 weeks. it has really been extra nasty with the weather being bad and no end in site. lucky for me, the kids were feeling more like themselves today and the weather was dreamy. so we did art outside. took out the paints and paper but Beaker wanted to paint rocks. off we went in the yard with a little green pail and baby brother in toe to collect raw materials. after rocks, paper and clothing were painted and repainted, it was off to tubby time!

*damn, this makes me look like a really cool mom... when all i was doing was filling the time between naps and dinner. PLEASE ENJOY!!!

Who do you think you are?

* I have no effing clue!

* I can tick off the obvious... wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend. I just turned 38, am dreadfully overweight, newly diagnose with Type II Diabetes, and 2 weeks away from my 20th HS reunion. Where did the last 20 years of my life go? How did I get to a place where I am looking back on that 18 year old girl... in the white dress holding a yellow rose as she received her HS diploma, full of hope, dreaming of the future... and wonder how did this happen?

* Somewhere on this crazy road I lost myself. There must have been a time when I felt whole, solid, human, yet for the life of me I can't find that place. I think and think, I therapy and therapy, I cry and cry but nothing... it feels like looking for something I may never find.

* The longing for self runs so deep it hurts. For as long as I can remember I have been in and out of depression, fighting the dark demons with sleep, sexual deprivation, procrastination, gluttony of all types, and most consistently with the magic pill Zoloft. These feelings starve my family and friends of the real me because I can not give them 100%.

* How do I let go and let "God"? How do I forgive myself so I can move past the feelings that have haunted me since I was a child? I need to get my life together. I need to start living, take back control of my actions. There has to be more to my life then feeling incomplete, the hole in my soul never really being full except with the blessed Zoloft. To be honest with myself I have put much of this looking on hold as much as I can. I have known for years that there is hard work to be done. The 100lbs I need to lose in the end may be the easiest part.

* I desperately need to change. I need to get off my ass, move, think, play, relax, and love. Love my be the key to this whole crazy puzzle, loving myself, falling in love again with my husband, kissing & hugging the kids every chance I get, and reconnecting with friends who have been missing from my life while establishing new relationships.

* So much to do, so much sleep needed!

post a day... oops!

* Ok... so I want to get the swing of this blogging thing by posting each day in May. The artsy-crafts Jenny B over at Allsorts got the ball rolling... just took me three days to get things moving. I think all day long of things to write, blood-letting of my brain, but never end up putting fingertip's to keys and getting the words out.


*It is getting late, tomorrow is a new day & there will be much more to post, but for now let me share my favorite new picture of JackJack. Can't you just eat those dirty little boy feet for dinner?