38 years

*So it is 1:11am, my 38th Birthday has now officially ended. What to do now. My husband had a tooth pulled this week, his 5th this year. I have a raging cold, with stuffed head, sore throat, and super clogged ears. Hubby forgot to wish me Happy Birthday until the day was half over. Jerk! :-) It always feels weird having to tell people that it is your birthday, as if they should see it on your face, feel the cake and party vibes radiating from your smile. I did however have many nice phone calls and a few sweet emails. My 3 year old daughter fought me saying it was HER Birthday today not mine. Silly one she is!

*We went to dinner, which was stupid given us both feeling like crap, but it was better then sitting at home. I was not 100% in the mood for a huge deal, so the quiet local restaurant was perfect. Now it is VERY late, I feel like dirt, and can't sleep. I want a do-over! I want a FUN day, not a sick day. Yes, I did get my toes done... an amazing shade from OPI called Ink. It is a shimmery dark blue. Very sexy in a "stay-at-home-mom meets goth" kinda way, but it makes me smile so there!

*I have added a counter to the blog. I am 730 days away from my 40th Birthday. I plan to wake up that morning in a hotel @ the Grand Canyon. It has been a dream of mine to see, feel, taste, and experience all that is Grand in this Canyon. The counter will remind me each day that I am one step closer to this amazing milestone in my life. I plan to ride a donkey, ride a rapid, and walk until my feet bleed. I need this goal... I need this place... it is my Atlantis, rising up like a miracle out of the ground. A place to feel so small, so completely engulfed in the splendor of nature.

*The goal has been set. All I need to go now is make the plan. There are over 100lbs that need to be lost, shape that needs to be gotten into, and all of this had a deadline of 730 days. My life is shifting, the motivation is there, all I need it the faith. Faith in myself, the process, and the goal. As a huge part of reaching this dream, I plan to blog just about everyday. At the end there will be an amazing memory of the work it took to get to the bottom of the Grand Canyon and back.

*Happy Day to me...

enough

*Do you ever get the feeling like you are sitting on the edge of change, on the verge of over coming? I had my Dr's appointment this past week and it is official, I have Type II Diabetes. She thinks with an huge change in the way I eat, exercising, and losing weight I may be able to avoid having insulin. I am relieved to know there is something wrong with me. I told my Husband that if the blood work came back normal, then I would be back to being a big cow not a woman with Diabetes. In my mind it is a huge difference, being forced to change everything for your health rather then wanting to lose weight to fit in smaller jeans.

*I am trying hard not to feel sorry for myself, as it will get my no place fast. The more I get upset the more i want to eat and make the circle repeat itself all over again. I have been reading the most amazing book Broken by William Moyers. So much of what he feels and describes as he is going though recovery from drugs and alcohol feel like me and food. I have always wondered if I need OA, and in reading the list of questions to see of you need help, I can answer yes to 95% of them.

*I need help. I am losing my mind in the house all day with the kids, the dogs, the husband. I need a space for me and maybe that is OA. Weight Watchers meetings never worked and I fail at doing this on my own. I need to do this for my kids. It feels like my life depends on me losing the weight, getting my sugars in control, and becoming more active. I have been given the gift of Diabetes, now the real work begins.